Why do people cheat? 10 reasons for infidelity (and how to heal)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Why do people cheat, even in loving relationships? Learn the common reasons behind infidelity, plus 10 ways to help you process, cope, and heal from the emotional rupture.
The first hours after discovering a partner has cheated can feel like a never-ending nightmare you can’t wake up from. For some, it may feel like your mind is trying to catch up to something your body already knows. Or, you might replay old conversations, scan for missed signs, or wonder how a relationship that felt familiar and safe suddenly feels like the most dangerous place. Infidelity has a way of pulling the floor out from under you, even if things weren’t perfect to begin with.
People often expect there to be one clear-cut answer as to why people cheat, but the reality is more tangled. Cheating doesn’t always come from a lack of love or a desire to hurt someone. Sometimes it grows out of emotional disconnection, unspoken needs, loneliness, or personal struggles the betrayed partner never had access to. The myth that cheating is always about attraction or opportunity can leave many people feeling confused, ashamed, or responsible for something they didn’t cause.
The truth is that infidelity is way more complex than people realize. Let’s get into a steady, judgment-free look at why infidelity happens and how you can begin coping with it. The goal is to help you understand the deeper patterns at play so you can make sense of your own experience and find the support you need to heal.
What does it mean to cheat in a relationship?
Cheating usually means breaking the agreements, whether spoken or unspoken, that keep a relationship emotionally safe. Those agreements look different for every couple, but they often include things like loyalty, honesty, and sexual or romantic exclusivity.
Infidelity can take many forms:
Physical cheating: Sexual contact with someone outside the relationship
Emotional cheating: Forming a deep emotional bond that replaces intimacy within the relationship
Digital or online cheating: Sexting, secret messaging, dating apps, or any online activity meant to create a romantic or sexual connection
Financial or energetic cheating: Hiding money, secret spending, or investing significant emotional energy in someone else
8 signs of cheating in a relationship
These signs don’t prove infidelity, but they can indicate a shift in connection or honesty. If you notice several at once, it may be worth addressing your worries with your partner.
Sudden secrecy around devices or passwords
Less emotional intimacy or engagement
Changes in sexual interest (more or less than usual)
Unexplained schedule changes or frequent late nights
Defensiveness when asked simple questions
New friendships they avoid talking about
A noticeable drop in affection, presence, or interest in the relationship
A gut feeling that something is “off,” paired with patterns that support it
Why do people cheat in relationships?
Here are 10 clinically recognized reasons people cheat, supported by decades of relationship research and clinical insight. None of these excuse the harm from cheating — they simply offer context that can help you understand what happened and why.
1. Emotional disconnection: When partners feel lonely, unseen, or misunderstood, they may seek connection elsewhere. Infidelity can be a misguided attempt to fill a relational gap that feels too heavy or too vulnerable to address directly.
2. Avoidance of confrontation: Some people cheat instead of initiating a breakup or difficult conversation. It’s an avoidance pattern.
3. Low self-esteem or identity struggles: Cheating can temporarily boost a shaky sense of worth. For some, outside attention feels like proof that they still matter.
4. Desire for novelty or excitement: This isn’t always about sex. Sometimes it’s about feeling alive, validated, or admired in ways the person struggles to create within themselves.
5. Opportunity and poor boundaries: Not everyone has strong internal or relational boundaries. When temptation meets lack of structure or accountability, cheating can happen even without intention.
6. Unresolved trauma or attachment wounds: People who grew up with instability, abandonment, or chaotic relationships may struggle with intimacy, consistency, or emotional regulation.
7. Substance use or impulsivity: Alcohol and drugs can lower inhibitions and distort judgment, especially in people who already struggle with boundaries or emotional coping.
8. Relationship dissatisfaction: Conflicts, unmet needs, or long periods of disconnect can create emotional distance. Again, the dissatisfaction isn’t the cause — the choice still belongs to the person who cheated.
9. Revenge or resentment: Sometimes infidelity is used to express anger or hurt that never got voiced in healthier ways.
10. Lack of clarity about relationship agreements: What counts as cheating varies widely across couples. If expectations weren’t explicit, someone may act outside them without fully grasping the impact.
How to cope with infidelity: 10 tips to help you recover and start to heal
Healing from infidelity often feels like trying to stand on soft ground. Some moments feel steady, and others feel like you drop without warning. These tips are meant to support you while you navigate this process. They may not all resonate, so just take what works for you.
1. Create emotional space
Shock can push you into quick decisions like ending the relationship, staying no matter what, or demanding immediate answers. It’s understandable, but you don’t have to resolve anything right away. Creating space gives your body and mind time to settle enough for clarity to return.
Practical ways to do this:
Take a short break from heavy conversations if your nervous system feels overloaded.
Spend time in environments that feel grounding—your home, a friend’s place, outside—anywhere that gives you a sense of safety.
Delay major decisions until your emotions feel less volatile.
💙 Try this Soothing Your Nervous System session with Mel Mah on the Calm app to help with intense emotions and feelings.
2. Lean on a trusted support system
Infidelity can feel isolating, even when you’re surrounded by people who care. Shame, confusion, or fear of judgment often keep people quiet, but carrying this alone adds weight you don’t need right now.
Support doesn’t have to be dramatic. It can be as simple as a friend who listens without pushing their opinion, a sibling who checks in, or a community space where your story is heard without comparison.
Examples that help:
Telling one or two people, “I don’t need advice. I just need someone to sit with me for a few minutes.”
Attending a betrayal trauma group or a relationship-focused support group
Asking a friend to help with practical tasks (meals, childcare, errands) during the most overwhelming days
Related read: 10 ways to support yourself when you’re feeling hopeless
3. Avoid self-blame
Infidelity often triggers painful internal questions: Was I not enough? Did I miss something? Should I have been different? These questions are common, and they are also deeply unfair to you.
Cheating is a choice made by the person who cheated. Even if the relationship had struggles, those struggles don’t justify dishonesty or betrayal.
To interrupt self-blame, try naming what is yours and what isn’t:
Yours: Your feelings, your boundaries, your values
Not yours: The other person’s behavior, secrecy, avoidance, or choices
4. Set clear boundaries
After infidelity, boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person. They’re about creating predictability and emotional safety while your trust is rebuilding or recalibrating.
Examples of helpful boundaries:
Asking for transparency around communication if you choose to repair the relationship
Requesting time apart before discussing the details
Creating structured check-in windows so conversations don’t spill into every hour of the day
Saying no to conversations when you feel overwhelmed and need to pause
💙 Learn to set healthy Boundaries with help from Tamara Levitt’s guided meditation from the Calm app.
5. Consider individual or couples therapy
A therapist can help make sense of the emotional crash that follows betrayal. Therapy doesn’t have to mean deciding to stay or leave — it simply gives you a place to process without feeling rushed or judged.
Individual therapy helps you:
Separate your identity from the betrayal
Understand your own attachment patterns
Explore what healing looks like for you
Couples therapy (if appropriate) helps with:
Structured conversations that don’t spiral
Accountability and transparency
Understanding what broke down, without blaming the betrayed partner
Deciding whether rebuilding is possible or healthy
Related read: What is mindfulness therapy (and can it help you)?
6. Take care of your nervous system
Betrayal registers in the body the same way trauma does. You might feel shaky, hypervigilant, foggy, numb, or unable to sleep. These aren’t overreactions — they’re physiological responses to threat and loss.
Small, simple practices can help stabilize your system:
Grounding exercises: Place your feet on the floor and name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
Regulated breathing: Inhale for four counts, exhale for six. Longer exhales signal safety.
Movement: Walking, stretching, or any gentle motion can help discharge emotional energy.
Comfort cues: Warm showers, blankets, tea, or anything that gives your body a signal of comfort
7. Give the relationship a realistic assessment
It’s common to swing between extremes like staying no matter what or ending things immediately. Those responses make sense when you’re overwhelmed. But long-term healing comes from looking at the relationship with slow, steady honesty.
Questions that can guide your reflection:
Has this relationship offered emotional safety overall?
Is the person who cheated willing to take accountability and repair?
Do you want to rebuild trust, or do you feel too depleted to continue?
What would trust need to look like for you to feel safe again?
8. Take breaks from the story
Your mind may replay conversations, images, or scenarios on a loop. Rumination is a common trauma symptom, but it can deepen emotional pain. Taking intentional breaks doesn’t mean denying what happened. It means giving your brain moments to rest.
Examples of healthy breaks:
Watching a familiar show that feels comforting
Doing something repetitive like organizing, crafting, or gardening
Listening to a podcast that gives your mind a different doorway
Spending time with someone who makes you feel grounded
9. Rebuild your sense of self
Infidelity can shake your identity. You might question your attractiveness, your judgment, or your worth. Healing includes reconnecting with parts of yourself that existed long before the betrayal.
Simple ways to reconnect:
Revisit hobbies or routines that used to energize you
Spend time with people who reflect back your strengths
Journal about qualities you value in yourself
Explore new interests that remind you you’re more than this moment
Related read: How to enjoy life: 11 tips to make yourself happy
10. Move at your own pace
Some people begin healing quickly, and others need more time. Neither is wrong. Recovery isn’t an upward trajectory. It ebbs and flows. Some days feel clear and strong. Others feel heavy or cloudy again.
Give yourself permission to move slowly. Healing that isn’t rushed tends to be more stable and lasting.
Why do people cheat FAQs
What is the definition of cheating in a relationship?
Cheating generally means breaking the agreed-upon boundaries that create trust and emotional safety in a relationship. Those boundaries can be sexual, emotional, digital, or financial, and they vary from couple to couple.
What defines cheating isn’t just the behavior itself, but the secrecy, dishonesty, and breach of trust involved. If an action would likely hurt your partner or needs to be hidden to continue, it often falls outside the relationship’s agreements.
What are the reasons people cheat in relationships?
People cheat for many reasons, and most of them stem from emotional or psychological gaps rather than a lack of love. Common factors include disconnection, low self-worth, avoidance of conflict, and unaddressed trauma that affects intimacy or boundaries.
Some people look for validation; others feel overwhelmed by needs they didn’t know how to voice. These explanations don’t excuse the betrayal but help make sense of behavior that often feels deeply personal.
Is it possible for someone to stop cheating?
Yes. Change is possible when the person who cheated takes full responsibility for their actions and commits to understanding the patterns behind them. This often involves building emotional regulation skills, improving communication, strengthening boundaries, and being consistently transparent.
Therapy can help uncover the roots of the behavior and support long-term change, but the real work happens in daily choices.
Can a relationship heal after someone cheats?
Many relationships do heal, but only when both partners move slowly and honestly. Repair requires accountability from the person who cheated and space, validation, and emotional safety for the betrayed partner. Trust is rebuilt through consistent actions, not quick promises.
Some couples grow stronger through repair work, while others realize the relationship isn’t sustainable. Either path can be a healthy outcome.
How long does infidelity recovery take?
Recovery from infidelity varies widely. For many people, the first few months are the most overwhelming, and clarity develops gradually. The timeline depends on the depth of the betrayal, the couple’s history, the level of remorse and accountability, and the support available.
Healing often happens in waves—periods of grounding followed by moments of hurt—so uneven progress is normal and expected.
Is emotional cheating as serious as physical cheating?
Emotional cheating can be just as painful, sometimes even more. It involves secrecy, intimacy, and emotional investment outside the relationship, which can leave the betrayed partner feeling erased or replaced.
Physical and emotional cheating both break trust, and the “seriousness” often reflects the impact on the relationship rather than the form the betrayal took.
How do I know if my partner cheated?
There’s no single sign, but certain shifts can point to dishonesty or emotional distance. These might include secrecy around devices, sudden defensiveness, changes in affection, unexplained schedule changes, or a growing sense that something feels off.
While none of these confirm infidelity, they signal that an open, grounded conversation may be needed to understand what’s happening.
Where can I find support to heal from infidelity?
Support can come from therapists, betrayal trauma specialists, support groups, or trusted friends and family who can offer steadiness without judgment. Many people benefit from a mix of professional care and personal community.
Healing often becomes more manageable when you have spaces to process your emotions instead of holding everything alone.
What are some infidelity recovery strategies to use in a relationship after someone cheats?
Recovery usually requires open communication, clear boundaries, and a shared commitment to slow, steady repair. Strategies may include structured conversations, agreed-upon transparency, and working with a therapist who can guide accountability and rebuilding trust.
What matters most is creating emotional safety, addressing what led to the rupture, and allowing healing to unfold at a sustainable pace.
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