What is authoritarian parenting (and what are your other options)?
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Authoritarian parenting is a rigid parenting style with a focus on obedience and strict rules. Learn how it can impact you and ways to avoid it with your kids.
Parenting is often thought of as one of the hardest jobs you can have — but nobody can seem to agree on how to do it well. It feels like everyone has an opinion about the best way to raise children, and especially in the age of social media, they’re not afraid to share.
There is a lot of debate around the idea of authoritarian parenting, but what does that even mean? Well, advocates of authoritarian parenting believe that it’s best to be strict with children and expect blind obedience. On the other hand, others advocate for “gentle” parenting and taking a more flexible approach to discipline.
Like with everything, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but digging deeper into different parenting styles can help you figure out what makes the most sense for your family. Here’s what you need to know.
What is authoritarian parenting?
Authoritarian parenting is a strict, rule-focused approach to raising children. Parents who use this style tend to see themselves as the authority figures, and often believe that kids need a firm hand to learn discipline and respect.
In an authoritarian household, there are usually a lot of rules, with little to no negotiation or discussion — kids are expected to follow them “because I said so.” If a child breaks a rule, a punishment typically follows without much opportunity for explanations or second chances. The focus is on obedience, and there’s not much flexibility in how things are done.
This can create a very structured and predictable environment, which some parents might feel is necessary to raise well-behaved children. But it can also make children feel like they have little control or say in their own lives, which may impact their self-esteem or emotional wellbeing.
Authoritarian parenting has a few key traits.
High expectations for obedience: Parents expect children to follow the rules, no matter what. There’s limited room for exceptions or flexibility.
Low emotional connection: Typically, there’s not much of a focus on emotional bonding and talking about your feelings isn’t a priority. The parent-child relationship is more about control and authority.
Strict consequences: Repercussions are predictable and can range from a loss of privileges to physical punishment.
Lack of explanation: Children may not know why a rule exists — just that they need to follow it.
Limited independence: Authoritarian parents often make all the decisions. Children have few opportunities to make choices on their own.
While this approach may seem like it promotes good behavior, it can also put a lot of pressure on kids and cause them anxiety. They may constantly fear doing something “wrong” in the eyes of their parents.
Over time, the lack of emotional support and understanding can create distance in the parent-child relationship that lead to disconnections. Kids may feel they’re constantly being judged or controlled, affecting how they see themselves and build relationships with others.
How authoritarian parenting is different from other styles
To get a clearer understanding of authoritarian parenting, let’s dive into how it compares to other common parenting styles.
In the 1960s, clinical and developmental psychologist, Diane Baumrind, broke down parenting styles into three groups: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. There’s also another type, uninvolved parenting. The contrast between these types can help us understand how different parenting approaches impact children’s development.
1. Authoritative or gentle parenting: Often considered the most balanced and effective approach, authoritative parenting combines firm rules with emotional warmth and open communication. Authoritative parents set clear expectations and enforce rules, but they also take time to explain why the rules exist and encourage children to express their thoughts and feelings.
Discipline is aimed at teaching rather than punishing, and there’s an emphasis on nurturing independence while still providing structure. And with authoritative parenting, the kids may learn good behavior modeled after your good behavior, not out of fear. Here are eight important manners all kids should know that’ll help them out in life.
2. Permissive parenting: Permissive parents are lenient and place few demands on their children. While permissive parents are often loving and emotionally supportive, they may avoid setting firm boundaries or enforcing rules. Children in permissive households often have the freedom to make their own choices, but the lack of structure can make it harder for them to learn self-discipline and responsibility.
3. Uninvolved parenting: Uninvolved parents, also known as neglectful parents, provide minimal guidance, structure, or emotional support. There’s a lack of involvement in the child’s life beyond basic needs. Children raised by uninvolved parents often feel neglected and may have difficulty developing healthy emotional bonds and self-regulation skills.
Authoritarian parenting vs. authoritative parenting
At first glance, authoritarian and authoritative parenting might seem similar, because both involve creating rules and setting high expectations for children. But, the key difference is in how parents enforce these rules and interact with their kids. The authoritarian style is mostly about control, with little room for negotiation, while the authoritative approach takes a more balanced and supportive route.
In an authoritarian household, a parent might say, "You have to be home by 7pm. There’s nothing more to discuss." If the child misses their curfew, they’ll likely be punished without much of a conversation about why they’re late or why the rule was set in the first place.
Followers of authoritative parenting also set clear rules, but there’s typically more flexibility and open communication. Authoritative parents explain the reasons behind their decisions and encourage their children to express their opinions and emotions. Instead of just enforcing rules, they guide their children to understand why the rules exist and how to make responsible decisions on their own.
An authoritative parent might say, “I want you home by 7pm because it’s a weeknight, and you need to be well-rested for school tomorrow.” If the child’s late, the parent might allow them to explain first what happened and then apply a related consequence — like an earlier curfew the next night.
Why authoritative parenting is often considered more effective
Research shows that authoritative parenting tends to lead to better long-term outcomes for children. Kids raised with this approach tend to develop stronger social skills, higher self-esteem, and better emotional health. That’s because they grow up in an environment where they feel respected and valued, but they also understand the importance of rules and boundaries. They know they can make mistakes without fear of harsh punishment, and that their parents are there to support and guide them.
On the other hand, children raised in authoritarian households may follow the rules, but they often do so out of fear rather than understanding.
While both parenting styles have a focus on discipline, authoritative parenting adds an essential layer of emotional connection and communication that helps children feel safe, supported, and understood. Authoritative parents teach kids how to make responsible choices and navigate challenges with confidence — skills that’ll likely serve them well as they grow up.
These eight tips can help you help your kids build confidence.
5 effects of authoritarian parenting on children
Parenting has a long-term impact on children, and studies have shown that authoritarian parenting can have both positive and negative outcomes. While some children raised in authoritarian households may be obedient and goal-oriented, a strict parenting style like this can also lead to several challenges.
1. Lower self-esteem: Feeling that their views and feelings aren’t valued can cause children to doubt themselves and struggle with confidence, especially when they need to make decisions on their own.
2. Increased risk of anxiety and depression: Without emotional support and the ability to express their thoughts freely, children may internalize their feelings. Over time, this may lead to anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues.
3. Difficulty with social skills: Discouraging children from expressing themselves might cause them to struggle to communicate effectively with others or form healthy relationships.
4. Rebellion or aggression: As children get older, some may rebel against strict rules, becoming more defiant as they seek independence. Others might mirror their parents’ strictness and act aggressively toward their peers.
5. Fear of failure: An intense pressure to meet their parents’ high expectations can lead to perfectionism, procrastination, or a reluctance to try new things, as they worry about being punished for mistakes.
How to shift out of an authoritarian parenting style
If you’ve recognized authoritarian tendencies in your parenting and feel like it’s not working well for your family, don’t worry — it’s never too late to make changes.
Shifting from authoritarian parenting to a more balanced style—like authoritative or gentle parenting—means finding that sweet spot between setting clear boundaries and being emotionally supportive. It’s about teaching your kids how to behave responsibly, while also showing them empathy and understanding. Struggling to be empathic? These eight exercises can help.
By working toward a more open and supportive relationship with your kids, you can create a home where they not only respect the rules, but start to make their own judgments about how to behave well. Most importantly, they can also feel loved and valued for who they are, regardless if they slip up.
These changes won’t happen overnight, but with time, patience, and a willingness to adapt, you can help your children feel more confident, connected, and capable of handling life’s challenges.
1. Start by listening more
Involve your kids in conversations — especially when it comes to rules and expectations. Ask for their opinions and really listen to what they have to say.
If your child’s upset about a rule, ask them why. Maybe they feel the bedtime you’ve set is too early, or they’re frustrated with a certain chore. You might find areas where you can compromise or be flexible, taking into consideration their needs. If you feel like the rule is necessary and that it doesn’t have to change, then of course you can maintain it but at least you still show them you’re willing to hear them out. It also teaches them how to have open communication with adults, which is a majorly important skillset to learn.
This open and honest communication can help build trust and make them feel like their thoughts and feelings matter. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but simply listening can show your child that they’re valued.
2. Explain the reasons behind your rules
When children understand the reasoning behind a rule, they’re more likely to follow it because it makes sense to them — and not just because they’re afraid of being punished.
Instead of saying, “No screen time before bed, period,” consider explaining your thought process a bit and say something like, “We don’t allow screen time before bed because it can make it harder for you to fall asleep. Getting enough rest is important so you feel good and have energy for school tomorrow.”
This can help children see the bigger picture and encourage them to take more responsibility for their actions and make better decisions. Want to help your kids build better self-care habits? Check out these 12 self-care tips and how to encourage them.
3. Encourage independence
Give your kids more opportunities to make decisions — within safe limits. This doesn’t mean giving up all control, but rather, letting them feel more in control of their own lives.
You might consider letting younger children pick out their clothes in the morning, or allowing older kids to decide how to spend their free time once their homework is done. By giving your child the chance to make decisions, you’re helping them develop problem-solving skills and confidence. It also shows them that you trust them to make responsible choices, which can strengthen your relationship.
4. Use positive reinforcement
Instead of focusing on your child’s bad behavior, try giving positive reinforcement when your child follows the rules or makes good choices. Even simple words of encouragement can go a long way.
Say your child cleans their room without being asked. Acknowledge their effort by saying, “Your room looks great. I’m really proud of you for taking responsibility and cleaning up.” When children see that their good choices are noticed and appreciated, they might feel more motivated to continue making positive choices.
When mistakes are made, focus on teaching rather than punishing. Instead of grounding your child for getting a bad grade, ask them what happened and then come up with a plan together to see how they can improve for next time. This approach can help them see mistakes as opportunities for learning, rather than something to be afraid of.
5. Focus on building an emotional connection
When kids feel emotionally secure and connected to their parents, they’re more likely to trust and respect them. You don’t necessarily want to be your child’s best friend, but you should show them that you’re there for them as a supportive and caring parent.
Make time for activities that help you bond with your child. Play a game together, have a one-on-one conversation about their day, or cozy up on the couch together and watch a movie. When your child feels close to you, they’re more likely to open up about their feelings and follow rules. And when you’re fully present and understanding with them, you set a foundation for mutual respect. Practicing mindful parenting can help with this — here’s how to do it.
💙 Learn how to become a more conscious parent and build a deeper connection with your children with our Conscious Parenting Masterclass.
6. Be patient with yourself and your child
Change doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s normal to slip back into old habits from time to time. What’s important is that you’re trying. Shifting from an authoritarian style to a more balanced approach can be challenging, especially if you’ve been parenting a certain way for a long time. Be patient with yourself and know that it’s okay to make mistakes along the way.
And remember — the same goes for your child. If your child’s used to strict rules and consequences, they may test you by pushing boundaries or act out when you start making changes, wondering if the old rules still apply. Stay consistent with your new approach and remind yourself that change takes time and parenting is a learning process for everyone involved.
There’s no perfect way to parent, but by focusing on open communication, emotional support, and positive guidance, you can create a healthier and more nurturing environment for your child to thrive.
💙 Navigate the whirlwind of parenting with these meditations to Ease Parenting Stress from Jeff Warren.
Authoritarian parenting FAQs
How does authoritarian parenting differ from permissive parenting?
Authoritarian and permissive parenting are at opposite ends of the parenting spectrum.
Authoritarian parents enforce strict rules and expect obedience, leaving little room for discussion.
Permissive parents have few rules and allow their children to make many decisions, often to avoid conflict. This can create a relaxed environment but may lead to a lack of boundaries for children.
Many experts recommend an authoritative parenting approach, which balances rules with warmth and flexibility.
What are the long-term effects of authoritarian parenting on adults?
Children raised in authoritarian households often face long-term effects into adulthood, particularly with self-esteem and decision-making. They may struggle to trust their judgment and seek approval from others, leading to self-doubt that impacts relationships and career choices.
They may also experience anxiety or depression if the pressure of high expectations during childhood results in perfectionism and stress. Relationships can also be challenging as they may find it hard to express their needs or may become controlling, complicating their ability to form healthy, balanced connections.
How can I shift from authoritarian to gentle parenting?
Transitioning from authoritarian to gentle parenting is a gradual process that’ll likely take time, but it can be worth the effort.
Start with a conscious decision to change your interactions with your child.
Focus on connection over control, understanding your child's feelings, and using empathy in your responses.
Instead of viewing misbehavior as defiance and resorting to punishment, see it as a form of communication of their needs, and an opportunity for you to teach them valuable life skills.
Encourage open communication. You can set a good example by explaining the reasons behind your rules to help children understand them.
Recognize your child’s good choices, and make sure they understand that you appreciate them.
It’s easier said than done, but be as patient with yourself and your child as you can be. Parenting is really tough and don’t forget to give yourself compassion too. Here are seven ways to cultivate patience.
Is authoritarian parenting ever effective in certain situations?
Authoritarian parenting can be effective in dangerous situations where quick compliance is critical for a child's safety, such as demanding they stick to the sidewalk when walking near a busy street. However, it may lead to fear-based rule-following rather than understanding, which can hinder your child as they develop decision-making skills.
For long-term success, consider using approaches like authoritative or gentle parenting, as encouraging communication and emotional connections can help children learn to think independently while respecting boundaries.
How does authoritative parenting impact a child's mental health?
Authoritative parenting is generally considered a balanced and healthy style that positively influences children's mental health.
Research indicates that children raised in gentler environments develop higher self-esteem, better emotional regulation, and stronger social skills. This approach combines clear rules with warmth and open communication, nurturing a secure atmosphere where children feel respected and valued. This means they’re more likely to express themselves, ask for help, and manage stress effectively. And it's never too early to teach your kids mindfulness to help them deal with stress and life's challenges — here’s how.
Ultimately, authoritative parenting can help equip children with resilience and coping skills, which can enable them to grow into emotionally healthy adults, ready to face life's challenges.
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