What is a good enough mother (and why you might want to be one)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Discover 10 tips to help you embrace the good enough mother mentality to ease perfectionism, reduce guilt, and feel more connected to your child — and yourself.
Especially in the age of social media, many moms feel an overwhelming pressure to be perfect. They strive to keep a beautiful home, provide their kids with Instagram-worthy lunches, and crush it at work, all while looking effortlessly chic. After all, when everyone around you appears to be acing motherhood, it’s natural to wonder why it’s so hard for you. You might even ask yourself, “Am I doing enough?”
If you’re worried about this, you care a lot, and that matters more than the screen time tally, the Pinterest-worthy snacks, or whether your toddler knows their ABCs in Mandarin.
Enter the concept of the good enough mother. Your goal is not to be perfect or superhuman. You’re just aiming to be good enough. And while it sounds like a bit of a downgrade, it’s not. It’s just a simple act of resistance against the pressure to do it all, all the time.
Remember done is better than perfect. Showing up, even if your hair is dirty and your kids’ socks don’t match, is more than enough. And sometimes, being good enough is the very best thing you can be.
What is a good enough mother’?
A good enough mother is not code one for a mom who’s mediocre, lazy, or half-hearted. It’s a compassionate, research-backed parenting approach that creates space for both your child’s growth and your sanity. Coined by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott in the 1950s, the idea still hits home today — maybe even more than ever.
Here’s what it actually means to be a good enough mother:
1. You meet your child’s emotional needs — most of the time: This doesn’t mean you drop what you’re doing to immediately cater to your child, no matter what. Your goal is to make your child feel safe, loved, and secure, but your focus is more on consistency, not perfection.
2. You allow space for frustration and failure: It can be tempting to try to shield your child from every discomfort, but ultimately, that’s unhelpful. Letting them experience manageable challenges helps them build emotional resilience.
3. You model being human: When you forget your child’s water bottle, lose your temper, or admit you were wrong, you’re not failing — you’re showing your child how to handle mistakes with grace and honesty.
4. You show up, even when it’s messy: Good enough mothers don’t have it all together, but they keep showing up with love, even when they’re running on fumes. That’s what sticks with your child.
5. You focus on connection, not performance: Don’t worry about nailing every parenting moment. Instead, focus on being present, offering comfort, and building trust over time — even if dinner is chicken nuggets again.
Your child doesn’t need a flawless version of you. They just need you.
Why do so many mothers feel not good enough?
The bar for what makes a great mom seems unfairly high. You’re bombarded with messages—subtle and not-so-subtle—that you should be doing more, looking great, and feeling your best.
It’s no wonder so many moms lie awake at night haunted by the invisible checklist of everything they need to do (or should be doing better). Perfectionism in motherhood isn’t just common, it’s practically baked into the role. But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy, helpful, or true. (If you’re struggling with perfectionism—and who isn’t?—try these six tips.)
Feeling “not good enough” often has nothing to do with how you’re actually parenting and everything to do with the unrealistic expectations you’re trying to meet. Many people feel an undeniable pressure to be everything, fix everything, and anticipate everything.
So if you’re carrying that weight, name it and challenge it. Remind yourself that you don’t have to be everything to be enough. Sometimes, just surviving the day with your sense of humor mostly intact is a win.
Why kids actually need good enough mothers
Your child doesn’t need a perfect mom. You’re the perfect mom for your child. You’re the one who hugs them tight and always shows up, even when you’re tired, cranky, or just deeply over it. You may not nail it every time, but you try, and that’s what matters.
It may not seem like it at the time, but being human teaches your kids how to navigate life. They learn by watching someone mess up — and then try again.
Here’s what kids actually gain from a good enough mom:
Emotional resilience: They learn how to handle disappointment and frustration in safe, manageable doses.
Real-life coping skills: Watching how you recover from mistakes teaches them how to bounce back from their own.
Empathy and connection: Seeing your imperfections helps them accept their own and connect with others.
A sense of safety and trust: Consistent love and presence matter more than constant perfection.
Kids really just need to feel safe, seen, and loved, and you can offer that in your messy, unshowered, didn’t-make-it-to-drop-off-on-time state.
Trying to be perfect actually creates distance. It teaches our kids that there’s one “right” way to do things, and that failure is shameful. On the other hand, showing up as good enough teaches flexibility, compassion, and emotional resilience. It shows them that love isn’t about performance — it’s about presence.
And if you really can’t kick the mom guilt, try these seven tips to help you deal.
How to embrace being a good enough mother: 10 tips to help you find balance
The good enough mentality isn’t just a concept — it’s a practice. Here’s how to actually live it out, even when life feels overwhelming.
1. Ditch the highlight reels
Social media shows you the best five seconds of someone else’s day — not the hours of chaos that led up to it. Curate your feed like you’d organize your pantry: If it doesn’t nourish you, it doesn’t need to be there. Follow accounts that make you smile. Mute the ones that spark shame.
2. Recognize when “perfect” is creeping in
Perfectionism can be powerful but subtle. You might find yourself wishing you’d used a nicer tone of voice or berating yourself for showing up late to pick-up. When that happens, recognize it for what it is: pressure, not truth. Ask yourself, “Would I say this to another mom?” If not, don’t say it to yourself.
💙 If you struggle with negative self-talk, Jeff Warren’s three-minute Kindness for Yourself meditation might be just what you need.
3. Make peace with C+ days
You’re not going to get a gold star every day. Some days, keeping everyone alive is the win. Give yourself permission to phone it in when needed. It’s important to conserve energy for the moments that actually matter.
4. Lower the bar lovingly
Ask yourself if a standard is truly necessary, or if it’s just what you think a good mom should do. You might find that you’re living by rules you never agreed to. Rewrite your own, and make sure they include grace, flexibility, and boundaries.
5. Apologize to your kid often and sincerely
Being a good enough mom means modeling the messy stuff. When you snap or forget or misjudge, own it. Kids learn emotional intelligence not from perfection, but from repair. You might try saying something like, “Hey buddy, I was really frustrated and yelled. That wasn’t okay. I’m sorry. I love you, even when things feel hard.” Here are some seven other examples of how to give a sincere apology.
💙 Saying you’re sorry isn’t always easy. Jay Shetty’s How to Apologize can give you new tools to do it well.
6. Build a solid support system
Find your people. You don’t need a new best friend, just someone you can text for support or a good laugh. Whether it’s an in-person mom group, a trusted friend, or a late-night message thread, connection is what carries you through.
7. Create tiny rituals that serve you
Forget elaborate routines. What’s one small thing that makes you feel human again? Maybe it’s a solo morning coffee or five minutes of silence in the bathroom. You might do something as simple as lighting a candle while you wash the dishes. You’d be surprised at how fast these micro-moments add up.
8. Let your kids see you take care of yourself
One of the most powerful lessons you can teach your child is that moms matter too. Say out loud, “I need a break,” or, “I’m going to take care of myself so I can show up better.” You’re not being selfish, you’re modeling balance.
9. Laugh more, even when it’s messy
Sometimes the only sane response to the absurdity of motherhood is to laugh. The poop explosion on your only clean pants? Infuriating, yes, but let it be funny too. You deserve that release.
10. Remember, your presence matters more than your performance
At the end of the day, your kid won’t remember if you packed the organic lunch or signed the field trip form on time. They’ll remember how it felt to be loved by you. Being a good enough mother means they’ll feel safe, seen, and cherished — even if you forget a spirit day.
Good enough mother FAQs
What is the good enough mother mentality?
The good enough mother mentality centers on the idea that being consistently loving, present, and responsive—without being perfect—is ideal. It means trusting that your child doesn’t need flawless parenting to thrive.
In fact, you may find that they benefit from experiencing small frustrations and seeing how you handle the messiness of real life. This approach prioritizes connection over control, compassion over performance, and shows your child that imperfection is part of being human.
A good enough parent lets go of the myth that you need to be “everything” to your child, and instead focuses on being enough.
Is the good enough mother mentality about lowering standards?
The good enough mother mentality is about redefining standards, not about lowering them. Instead of pushing moms to the brink of burnout, the good enough mindset replaces pressures with compassion and sustainability.
This doesn’t mean you stop caring or doing your best. It means your “best” is allowed to vary from day to day. Some days, you’ll bounce from one activity to the next and sit down to a balanced meal at the end of it all. Other days, you may watch a movie and have a frozen pizza for dinner. Both are fine.
How can I tell if I’m being a good enough mother?
If you’re asking this question, chances are you already are. Good enough mothers worry about doing a good job. They care deeply. They show up, even when they’re tired, overwhelmed, or unsure. They keep trying. They love their kids fiercely, even when they don’t love the way the day went.
Being a good enough mother means you make mistakes, but also ensure your child feels secure, loved, and supported overall. Not every moment will be a parenting win — but the big picture matters more than any single snapshot.
How are perfectionism and motherhood linked?
Perfectionism and motherhood are linked, in part because moms are always under pressure to do everything the “right” way.
This can morph into a toxic perfectionism that leaves moms constantly feeling like they’re falling short. It’s exhausting, and it’s not sustainable. The good enough mother model offers a lifeline: a reminder that doing your best is enough, even when it doesn’t look like anyone else’s.
How does the good enough mother concept apply to fathers or other caregivers?
Even though it’s called the good enough mother, this concept applies to anyone raising a child. The heart of the idea is universal: that consistent, loving, imperfect care builds trust, resilience, and emotional health in kids.
Caregivers don’t need to be superheroes. They need to be present, honest, and willing to repair when things go sideways. Every child benefits from adults who model humanity, not perfection.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
Images: Getty
