How to deal with grief during the holidays: 8 tips to cope

Mental Health

Oct 20

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Grief often feels heavier around the holidays. Explore 8 tips to help you cope with holiday grief, honor your loss, and find moments of comfort this season.

Grief is often loud in day-to-day life, but during the holidays, it can be deafening. It might hit you after you hear the first notes of a holiday song, notice the smell of a favorite meal being prepared, or even when someone asks what your plans are for this time of year. With so many traditions, memories can come flooding back — and the ongoing pressure to be merry and bright can make everything feel complicated.

Perhaps there’s an empty chair at your dinner table from a loved one who passed, or there’s a new routine to navigate solo. The incessant reminders of what’s missing from your life during this time of year can turn familiar rituals, like cooking or decorating your home, into painful reminders of the grief you’d rather avoid.

These feelings, as complex and intense as they are, have a simpler name, and it’s called holiday grief. It’s like typical grief, but the weight of loss is amplified by a time that’s supposed to celebrate connection.

Let’s explore why grief often feels heavier during the holidays. We’ll also share grounded, compassionate ways to care for yourself through it so you can have a holly (and maybe jolly) season, even when you’re grieving.

Why grief often feels heavier during the holidays

The holidays have a way of magnifying a person’s absence. Even if you’ve adjusted to your loss throughout the year, this season tends to stir up emotions and make them resurface. Psychologists note that grief often intensifies around meaningful dates, especially those tied to tradition and connection. And the holidays are filled with both.

1. Traditions stir emotional memory: Rituals carry emotional significance, so when they change or disappear, it can feel incredibly painful. Cooking a loved one’s favorite recipe or decorating the tree may bring comfort one moment and leave you feeling empty the next. Navigating grief isn’t linear.

2. The world doesn’t stop for your pain: While you’re moving through the season, grief in tow, it can be jarring to notice the outside world humming with celebration. Holiday music, movies, and even parties can feel like noise when you’re in the thick of grief. And it can be incredibly isolating to feel like the world moved on without you.

3. Expectations create emotional pressure: The holidays come with unspoken rules: Be cheerful, be grateful, be together. When your energy doesn’t match those expectations, you might feel like you’re disappointing others. You might even feel the need to hide your grief. That emotional pressure can deepen exhaustion and loneliness, making you wish the season would just end.

4. Anniversaries and “firsts” reopen loss: The first holiday without your person can be especially challenging to accept and make it through. Every “first” after losing someone you love can reawaken grief in waves. Even years later, these reminders can still sting. But this doesn’t mean you’re moving backward — it’s simply how memory and love continue to meet.

5. The body remembers: Grief isn’t only emotional — it’s physical. Around anniversaries or holidays, you might feel more tired, on edge, or restless as stress hormones rise, which is a natural response to difficult days. Noticing these cues helps you respond with compassion instead of frustration, and being in tune with how your body feels can help you identify the type of care you need to move forward.

What does “holiday grief” look like?

Holiday grief doesn’t follow a script, which means it can look different for everyone. Grief can surface unexpectedly and sometimes subtly, like a lump in your throat when you hear your loved one’s favorite holiday song or a sudden feeling of emptiness when you’re surrounded by people you know and love.

But grief doesn’t only show itself in feelings of sadness — it can show up as restlessness, irritability, or a quiet sense of being out of step with everyone else. Grief during the holidays often feels layered and sometimes even contradictory.

Here are a few ways holiday grief might present itself:

Emotional unpredictability: Your feelings may shift quickly from tears one minute to laughter the next, and numbness after that. These fluctuations reflect how your mind is processing waves of emotion, and are not an indicator of the progress you’ve made in your grief journey.
Low motivation and energy: You might notice your body feels heavier, like you’re walking through molasses. You may also experience more sluggish mornings than usual or have less interest in activities that once mattered. Grief consumes mental and physical energy, even when you’re not consciously thinking about it.
Mental fog or distraction: It’s common to forget tasks, lose focus, or feel detached from conversations when you’re grieving. Your brain is doing extra work managing emotional overload.
Tension between solitude and connection: You may crave company yet find it draining, or look forward to a small gathering but feel exhausted just by the thought of it. That push-pull reflects your need to protect energy while still seeking comfort.
Moments of comfort or joy that feel complicated: Catching yourself laughing or enjoying something might bring guilt or confusion, because you suddenly remember your loved one is no longer here. But small pleasures and joy are signs of resilience, not betrayal, and they can coexist with grief.
Changes in participation: Some traditions might feel too heavy this year, and that’s okay. Skipping a dinner, opting not to listen to certain music, or celebrating differently in any capacity can be part of practicing flexibility in adapting to your grief, not avoiding it. And these changes are okay to implement.
Emotional quiet: Sometimes you may feel flat or disconnected, especially at the beginning of losing someone and navigating your new normal. But this emotional disconnection or numbness doesn’t mean indifference. Rather, it’s your nervous system regulating itself to prevent overwhelm and, honestly, a breakdown.

How to cope with grief during the holidays: 8 self-care tips

Holiday grief doesn’t require a management plan, but having gentle anchors can help you feel less adrift. These aren’t rules you need to follow or milestones you should achieve — they’re ways to move through the season with honesty and care, honoring both your emotional limits and capacity for love.

1. Acknowledge the truth of your current situation

Start by saying the hard part out loud: This holiday is different, because my loved one isn’t here. Pretending otherwise only adds pressure to perform and doesn’t allow space for your true emotions.

The truth may be that you’re dreading the season, want it to be over, or to feel nothing at all. Naming your feelings of grief—to yourself, in your journal, or with someone you trust—creates space for honesty instead of performance. Even a simple phrase like, “This is hard, and that’s okay,” can ease the weight you’re carrying.

You can also implement short “grief windows” throughout your day or season. Set aside brief moments to remember, cry, or write about your loved one before shifting to something neutral, like preparing dinner or folding laundry. This rhythm allows you space to honor your loss without letting it take over the whole day.

💙 Discover tools to support you in your time of need with Lama Rod Owen’s Caring For Your Grief series.

2. Plan softly, not perfectly

Take some time to look ahead at the dates or gatherings that might be hardest for you to tackle this year, and decide what’s doable.

If you know a particular family member might be challenging to be around, perhaps you excuse yourself from the get-together and catch up with them another time. Curate your holiday in a way that’s most supportive to you and your self-care practice.

You might try:

Driving yourself to events so you can leave early if needed.
Letting hosts know you might skip or step out quietly.
Keeping meals and traditions simple — order food, share cooking duty, or ask someone else to host.

3. Reimagine traditions to support your healing

Traditions can feel comforting and painful at the same time. Remember, you don’t have to keep them all, but you don’t have to erase them either. Try adapting them so they fit the shape of your grief this year.

Maybe that means lighting a candle at dinner for your passed loved one or setting an empty place at the table. Perhaps you play their favorite holiday song or make them a special remembrance ornament for the tree. You could also create a new tradition entirely in their honor, like a morning walk before the holiday madness descends, a donation in their name, or a quiet night in with a book and a cup of cocoa instead of a party.

Over time, these gentle adjustments can become part of your healing story. And in the meantime, they can bring you a bit of comfort.

4. Protect your energy and boundaries

Holiday expectations from family, society, or even cultural norms can make you feel like you owe people your presence or cheer. You don’t. Your energy is finite, and protecting it is an act of love, not selfishness.

Put boundaries in place, and communicate them calmly. Then let them stand. You’re not responsible for managing other people’s reactions to your grieving process or needs.

Write out a few “boundary scripts” ahead of time so you’re not scrambling when the moment comes:

“Thanks for inviting me. I’m keeping things small this year.”
“I might step out for a bit if I need a break.”
“I’d rather skip the toast this time — it’s a little raw for me.”

💙 Follow Tamara Levitt’s lead as she guides you through setting Boundaries in a meditation from her Relationship with Others Series.

5. Lean on connection that feels safe

Isolation can deepen sorrow, but forced togetherness can, too. Instead of pushing yourself to attend every event, focus on small, meaningful gatherings or one-on-one connections. Call that one friend who consistently checks in, catch up with the neighbor who walks with you on occasion, or join an online group where you can be real about your feelings.

If you can, tell one or two trusted people exactly how they can support you. Maybe it’s texting you before a gathering, sitting beside you at dinner, or just being on standby if you need to step away. Shared moments, even quiet ones, can anchor you when everything else feels uncertain.

6. Care for the body thats carrying it all

Grief doesn’t just live in your mind, but it also moves through your body. Focusing on your physical wellbeing during this process is equally as important as focusing on your mental wellbeing. Eat something warm and nutritious for comfort, drink water to stay hydrated, stretch your body to work out kinks, or nap without guilt when you need to.

If your body feels restless, grounding practices can help calm your nervous system. Try slow, paced breathing or 5–4–3–2–1 grounding meditation where you name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, one you can taste.

7. Allow both grief and comfort to coexist

You might find yourself laughing at a movie, enjoying a meal, or feeling a brief sense of peace, only to suddenly feel guilt about it. Joy doesn’t cancel out grief. But experiencing joy does mean you’re still capable of connection and lightness, even in pain. Grief and comfort can share space without competing.

Remember that moments of relief aren’t betrayal — they’re evidence of resilience. You can miss someone fiercely and still find meaning or warmth in small moments. That duality means you’re healing.

8. Reach for help when the weight doesn’t lift

Some seasons of grief need extra support. If your pain feels unending—if you’re unable to function, feel detached from reality, or struggle to stay safe—professional grief counseling or therapy can help.

Clinicians now recognize prolonged grief disorder as a treatable condition, and seeking help is the ultimate form of self-care.

Holiday grief FAQs

How do I deal with grief during the holidays if I don’t want to celebrate?

You don’t have to celebrate the holidays if you don’t want to. It’s okay to opt out completely or reshape the days into something gentler.

Some people may find comfort in small rituals like a walk to look at holiday lights, lighting a seasonal candle, or visiting a meaningful place. Others may treat it like any other day. There’s no right or wrong choice.

If guilt or pressure shows up, remember that grief changes what’s possible, and saying no can be the kindest way to care for yourself.

What can help when I’m grieving during Christmas?

Christmas can feel like an emotional minefield, especially if it’s the first one without someone you love.

Try scaling things down. Opt for fewer plans, smaller gatherings, and simpler meals. Keep one or two comforting traditions and set aside those that feel too painful. You might create a new ritual, like lighting a candle or hanging an ornament in their honor. If the day feels heavy, step outside, call a friend, or take a drive.

The goal isn’t to get through it perfectly, but to move gently, allowing room for both grief and moments of peace to coexist.

How do I cope with grief during the holidays if my family doesn’t understand?

It’s especially painful when others minimize or ignore your grief. Try to share your needs early, before emotions run high. Simple phrases like “I might need a break if things feel heavy,” or “Let’s skip the toast this year” can help set expectations.

Some people mistake silence for strength, so be clear about your limits. If certain relatives can’t meet you there, protect your energy. Give yourself permission to leave early, take breaks, or lean on friends or support groups who understand.

You deserve empathy, and it’s okay to put emotional safety before family harmony.

Is it normal for grief to feel stronger during the holidays?

Yes. Clinicians often see grief resurfacing or feeling stronger during the holidays as a predictable pattern. Holidays center on memory, connection, and ritual, which are three aspects of life closely tied to grief. When those bonds are broken or changed, the contrast feels sharper. Seasonal sights, sounds, and smells can trigger memories before you even realize it.

This isn’t regression — it’s simply how the brain processes attachment and loss. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and these triggers don’t mean you’ve gone backward. They’re just reminders that your love still lives in memory.

Can making new traditions help ease holiday grief?

Yes, and it doesn’t have to be a big change either. Creating new traditions helps you honor your loss while reclaiming a bit of control over the season.

You might host a quiet breakfast instead of a big dinner, take a trip during the holiday to create new memories, or volunteer in your loved one’s memory. Even small shifts like trying a new recipe, watching a different movie, or changing decorations can gently signal that it’s okay for the holiday to look different now.

Over time, these new rituals can weave remembrance and renewal together, helping you stay connected to both the past and the present.

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Calm Editorial Team