7 tips on how to communicate your needs in a relationship
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn why healthy communication in relationships is important and 7 tips to improve your skills. Plus, how to communicate your needs in a relationship.
Understanding and expressing personal needs is fundamental to the health and longevity of any relationship. Good communication includes conveying our desires, feelings, and expectations in a way that’s clear and understandable, and many relationship issues stem from the inability to share these things openly and honestly.
In a relationship, one of the most positive changes we can make is learning to express ourselves—and truly listen—effectively.
The importance of communication in relationships
Communication in a relationship involves sharing thoughts, feelings, hopes, and fears openly to help you connect with each other on a deeper level.
Through effective communication, partners can resolve conflicts, build trust, and deepen their emotional connection. It helps in understanding the perspective of your partner and avoiding misunderstandings that can lead to feelings of neglect, frustration, or loneliness.
When both partners feel heard and understood, it can create a sense of safety and trust in the relationship. Healthy communication also involves listening, being present and attentive, and showing your partner that their thoughts and feelings matter to you. This can lay the groundwork for dealing with challenges and building a future together.
Good communication can provide the foundation for your relationship to grow and flourish. More importantly, effective communication skills are valuable in all aspects of life—they can enhance friendships and work relationships, promote mindfulness in your work environment, and improve family dynamics. By improving how you communicate in your intimate relationships, you're honing a skill that can enrich your entire social world.
6 examples of the needs you might have in a relationship
Each person in a relationship has their own set of needs that contribute to our happiness and wellbeing. When these needs are met, the relationship can thrive, bringing joy and fulfillment to both partners.
1. Emotional support
Emotional support means having someone who listens to you, understands your feelings, and stands by you through good and bad times. It involves empathy and compassion, offering comfort and reassurance when you're facing challenges, and is central to a strong relationship.
2. Trust and honesty
Trust involves believing in your partner's reliability, truthfulness, and integrity. It goes hand-in-hand with honesty. When you can be truthful and transparent with your partner, it can help build a secure relationship.
3. Respect and appreciation
Valuing each other's individuality, opinions, and boundaries is essential for maintaining dignity and equality in your relationship. Appreciation involves acknowledgment of one another’s efforts and contributions to the relationship, which creates a sense of value and belonging.
4. Quality time
Taking time to focus on each other, share experiences, and create memories can strengthen your bond and deepen your connection.
5. Physical intimacy
Expressing love and affection through touch goes beyond sexual activity. It's an important aspect of a romantic relationship, helping maintain a sense of closeness and connection. The more intune you become with one another’s physical bodies and presence, the more you can decipher how your partner might be feeling based on their body language, too.
6. Support for personal growth
In a healthy relationship, partners support one another's personal growth and goals, encouraging each other to pursue individual interests, ambitions, and self-improvement. It can contribute to personal fulfillment and the overall health of the relationship.
7 ways to improve healthy communication in relationships
Effective communication is a skill that can be developed and improved with practice and is crucial for maintaining a strong, healthy bond. By implementing these tips, you can create a more open, understanding, and supportive environment in your relationship.
1. Practice open communication
Encourage an environment where both you and your partner feel safe to express thoughts and feelings openly. Start by sharing something personal about your day and ask your partner to do the same. This simple act can help open the way for more profound conversations.
2. Avoid assumptions
Assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and negative thinking, so instead of assuming what your partner thinks or feels, ask them directly. Clarifying things with questions can help you understand what your partner really thinks.
3. Focus on the present
When possible, discuss current issues rather than bring up past grievances to keep the conversation relevant and productive. While discussing a problem, stick to what’s going on in the situation at hand and stay present in the conversation and with one another.
4. Address emotional hurts
Talk about your feelings before diving into problem-solving. This helps both partners feel understood and valued. Begin by expressing how a particular situation made you feel, using “I feel” statements. For example, “I feel like our interaction this morning could’ve been more friendly.”
5. Work together on solutions
Approach problems as a team, and look for solutions that benefit both partners. Try brainstorming potential solutions together, then discuss the pros and cons of each option.
6. Practice active listening
Listen to understand, not just to respond. Show your partner that you value their perspective, and practice this by summarizing what your partner said, and then asking if you understood correctly. You can also strengthen your emotional bond by asking thoughtful questions to show you care and are interested in getting to know one another better.
7. Avoid accusatory language and use “I feel” statements
Stay away from using “you” statements that can come across as accusations. Instead, express your emotions clearly and respectfully by using “I feel” statements to help reduce the chance of your partner feeling like they’re in trouble. For example, say, "I feel hurt when ..." instead of, "You hurt me by ..."
How to communicate your needs in a relationship: 7 tips to help you express yourself with clarity and confidence
Communicating your needs in a relationship can greatly enhance understanding and connection with your partner, and it’s a two-way process that involves both speaking and listening. Following these tips can help you build a healthier, more satisfying relationship.
1. Reflect on your needs
Take time to understand what you truly need in your relationship, and how to be clear and specific when expressing yourself. Try writing down your feelings so you can organize your thoughts, ready to explain your needs effectively to your partner.
💙 Take a few minutes to get clear on your wants and needs during The Power of Reflection with Jay Shetty.
2. Choose the right moment
Find a calm, quiet time when both of you are free from stress or distractions. This helps create an environment that’s comfortable for open and honest communication. Plan a specific time to talk, ensuring both partners are prepared and receptive.
3. Use “I” statements
Start sentences with “I feel,” or “I need,” to express yourself. This approach focuses on your feelings, rather than implying blame. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," say, "I feel valued when you listen attentively to what I'm saying."
💙 Practice Non-Judgment in conversation with one another as you discuss your feelings and listen to the needs of your partner.
4. Be honest and gentle
Honesty is crucial, but so is kindness. Approach the conversation with a mix of truthfulness and sensitivity. Rehearse what you want to say, ensuring your words are both true and considerate.
💙 Practice the art of Kind Communication in your relationships with Tamara Levitt.
5. Listen actively
After expressing your needs, give your partner the chance to respond. Listen actively, showing empathy and understanding. Practice active listening in everyday conversations to show a genuine interest in your partner's thoughts and feelings.
💙 In this Relationship with Others series, Tamara Levitt explores the importance of Listening and how this skill can be nurtured in conversation, especially with a loved one.
6. Avoid blame and criticism
Focus on your feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing your partner. This can help prevent defensive reactions and aid in a more constructive discussion. Start by framing your sentences in a way that doesn't point blame but shares your perspective.
💙 Explore the tendency many of us have to Blame others in our relationships.
7. Seek mutual understanding
Aim to understand each other rather than win an argument. Make it the goal to find common ground and solutions that work for both of you. A first step can be to ask open-ended questions to better see things from your partner's point of view.
💙 Explore the use of questions to bring about Deeper Communication in your relationships during the Daily Jay.
How to communicate your needs in a relationship FAQs
How do I express my needs in a relationship?
To express your needs effectively, start by understanding what those needs are. Reflect on what makes you feel happy, secure, and valued in a relationship. When communicating, use clear and direct language, and express your feelings and needs using “I” statements like "I feel," or "I need."
This approach can help your partner understand your perspective without feeling blamed or criticized. Make sure to choose an appropriate time for this conversation, when both you and your partner are calm and not distracted. Active listening is also key. Be ready to listen to your partner's response and engage in a two-way conversation.
How do you speak up for your needs in a relationship?
Speaking up for your needs is all about being assertive yet respectful. Assertiveness means expressing your thoughts and feelings confidently and directly. Start by clearly identifying what you need and why it's important to you. When you bring it up with your partner, do so in a calm and clear manner, using “I” statements to express how these needs impact your feelings and the relationship. It's also important to be prepared to listen and respond to your partner's thoughts and feelings, because effective communication is about listening and understanding as much as speaking.
How do you clarify your needs in a relationship?
Clarifying your needs starts with self-reflection. Take time to think about what helps you feel fulfilled and happy in your relationship. These could be emotional needs like feeling heard and understood, or practical needs like sharing household responsibilities. Once you have a clear idea, communicate these needs to your partner. Be as specific as possible. Instead of saying, "I need more attention," you might say, "I feel loved when we spend uninterrupted time together on weekends." This can help your partner understand exactly what you need.
What are some skills that good communicators have?
Several key skills can help people to be good communicators, making their interactions more effective and fulfilling.
Active listening: Good communicators listen attentively, show they understand, and respond appropriately.
Clarity and conciseness: People who communicate well express their thoughts and feelings clearly and directly, avoiding confusion.
Empathy: They try to understand the other person's perspective, showing care and concern.
Open-mindedness: Good communicators are willing to consider other viewpoints and remain flexible in their thinking.
Respect: They communicate in a way that respects others, avoiding judgmental or offensive language.
Feedback: They give and receive feedback constructively, using it as an opportunity for growth and improvement.
Nonverbal communication: People who are good communicators pay attention to body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice, ensuring these align with their words.
By developing these skills, you can enhance your ability to communicate effectively in your relationships and beyond.
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