How to deal with jealousy in a relationship? Try these 9 tips
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn how to deal with jealousy in a relationship. Plus, what causes jealousy, how it feels, and 9 tips to get over jealousy for a healthier relationship.
Think about a time when a friend or loved one spent more time with someone else, and you felt left out. Jealousy happens even when we don’t want it to and can be a tricky feeling to navigate. That little voice in your head that’s making you worry about losing someone you care about can be hard to shut out.
In romantic relationships, jealousy can be even more heightened. It’s not always comfortable but it is normal, and you're definitely not the only one who feels this way. Luckily, there are simple, practical steps you can take to handle these feelings so that jealousy doesn't get in the way of your happiness.
What is jealousy in a relationship, and what does jealousy feel like?
Jealousy is that uneasy feeling you get when you're worried someone else might take something or someone you value. It’s often mistaken for envy, where someone has something you want for yourself. But jealousy isn’t about desire. It’s a fear of losing what you have to someone else. In relationships, this might look like feeling uneasy when your partner talks about an attractive new co-worker or when they spend a lot of time with friends.
This emotion isn't just about what you see or hear. It's also about what's going on inside your head. Jealousy can make you imagine things that aren't real, like your partner preferring someone else's company over yours. It can lead you to check their messages, ask too many questions, or even follow them around. These actions are signs of jealousy taking hold, and if you find yourself exhibiting these behaviors, it may be time to address why you’re feeling this way.
It's also important to remember that jealousy feels different for everyone. Some people might get quiet and keep their feelings to themselves, while others might become more clingy or seek reassurance by asking questions. There's no one-size-fits-all in terms of the way jealousy shows up for people, but the common thread is that it's not a pleasant feeling, and it can make you act in a way that’s out of character.
What causes jealousy?
When we feel jealous, chances are that there's something deeper going on that we're being invited to uncover. Getting to know some of the more common triggers can be a big step in dealing with jealousy in our relationships.
Insecurities: Low self-esteem is a major driver of feelings of jealousy. Maybe you think you're not funny enough, smart enough, or good-looking enough. These doubts can make you feel like you're not enough for your partner, and that can lead to self-sabotaging and feeling suspicious.
Past experiences: Our past can have a big influence on how we feel now. If someone has let you down or hurt you before, it's natural to worry it might happen again.
Fear of loss: Nobody likes to lose someone they care about. In relationships, the thought of losing your partner to someone else can be terrifying. That fear can stir up feelings of jealousy.
Comparison can cause jealousy: Sometimes, you might look at the people around your partner and think they're better in some way. Social media can be particularly challenging because often we’re comparing ourselves to a curated version of someone else. This can make us feel less confident and tend toward feelings of jealousy, even if we usually feel secure about ourselves.
Mood-related factors: How you feel overall can affect how easily you get jealous. If you're already feeling sad or stressed, you might be more sensitive and more likely to feel jealous. Especially if you struggle with mental health challenges like depression, OCD, or anxiety.
Lack of open communication: Misunderstandings often show up in relationships, especially if you have different attachment styles or show love in different ways.
How to deal with a partner who feels jealous
Sometimes, you might find that it's your partner who has jealous feelings. Instead of just labeling them a “jealous person”, remember that dealing with jealousy is a team effort, just like the relationship itself. With patience and open communication, you can turn a moment of jealousy into an opportunity for growth in your relationship.
Encourage open conversations: create a comfortable space where your partner can discuss their feelings without fear of judgment. Let them know it's safe to share what's on their mind.
Listen without criticism: when your partner opens up, listen carefully. Don't interrupt or get defensive. Understanding their perspective is key.
Avoid blaming: pointing fingers won't solve anything. Instead, focus on how you both can move forward and strengthen your bond.
💙 Navigating relationships can be tricky. Press play on our Love and Relationships series to add some more emotional intimacy tools to your toolbelt.
How to not be jealous: 9 healthy ways to navigate jealousy
Jealousy doesn't have to be a permanent guest in a healthy relationship. There are plenty of practical steps you can take to prevent or move through feelings of jealousy.
1. Pause and reflect on your feelings
Take a moment to think about why you're feeling jealous. Is it something your partner did, or are these feelings coming from your worries and doubts? Understanding this can help you address the real issue. You might find that your own negative self-talk is influencing your feelings.
💙 If you don’t know where to start exploring how you feel, let Dr. Julie help you Clarify Your Feelings Through Writing.
2. Talk your feelings out with your partner
When you're feeling jealous, the best thing to do is talk about it. Sit down with your partner and share your feelings honestly, without blaming them. It's about opening up, not starting a fight. If your worries are based on past experiences, you might want to consider forgiving your past partners and letting go of the grudges and anger.
💙 Explore the formula for strengthening relationships using Deeper Communication during the Daily Jay.
3. Work to build trust together
Trust is crucial. Without it, things can get shaky. Work together with your partner to build a strong base of trust. This means being reliable (keeping your promises), honest, and open with each other.
💙 If you’re eager to learn how to build trust, check out this guided meditation on trust from the Daily Calm.
4. Boost your own confidence
When you feel good about yourself, you're less likely to feel jealous. Do things that build self-esteem by making you feel proud and confident. It could be learning something new, doing a hobby you love, or just taking good care of yourself.
💙 If your confidence and self-esteem feel like they’ve taken a hit, practicing self-care can help you feel more grounded and centered. Check out our series on Radical Self-Care to learn more.
5. Focus on the positive by practicing gratitude
Instead of focusing on what might go wrong, think about what's going right. Appreciate the good things in your relationship and in your partner. This positive focus can help chase away jealous thoughts. If you’re struggling to find something good to focus on, it might be time to return to the reflection stage, but this time look at your relationship as a whole.
💙 Practicing gratitude isn’t always second-nature. Sometimes it’s, well… a practice. Check out this masterclass on Gratitude with Tamara Levitt.
6. Prevent misunderstandings by setting clear boundaries
Talk with your partner about the boundaries of your relationship. This means outlining exactly what's okay and what's not okay for both of you. Having clear boundaries helps prevent misunderstandings that can lead to jealousy and also creates a feeling of safety and understanding.
💙 Explore setting Boundaries in the Relationship with Others series.
7. Be respectful
Going through your partner's phone or emails breaks trust. And without trust, jealousy can grow. Respect each other’s privacy and trust that your partner will share with you what they need to.
8. Ask for help when you need it
Sometimes, talking to a friend or a professional can give you a fresh perspective. It's okay to seek support if jealousy is getting too much to handle on your own.
9. Practice mindfulness and stay present
Stay in the here and now whenever you find yourself thinking about your partner being with someone else. Worrying about "what ifs" can make jealousy worse. Mindfulness can help you keep your focus on the present moment.
💙 Next time you feel a bout of jealousy coming on, try taking a Mindful Walk to move through the feelings physically and emotionally.
How to deal with jealousy FAQs
How do I stop being jealous and insecure?
First, know that it's okay to feel this way sometimes. To stop feeling jealous and insecure, start by understanding your feelings. Why are you feeling this way? Talk about it with someone you trust. Work on building your confidence by doing things you're good at or that make you happy. Remember to focus on the good things about yourself and your relationship.
What are the 5 stages of jealousy?
Jealousy can feel like a journey with different steps. First, you might feel suspicious, wondering if there's something to be worried about. You might start looking for proof, which can lead you to snoop around. If you find something, you might accuse your partner of wrongdoing. This can lead to a reaction from both of you, which can be quite emotional. Finally, with good communication, you can reach a resolution where you understand each other better and work through the jealousy.
What is the reverse of jealousy?
The opposite of feeling jealous is feeling happy when someone else is happy, even if you're not the reason. It's being supportive and celebrating their success with them as well as trusting them to stay true to their commitments and boundaries.
What happens to the brain when you are jealous?
When you feel jealous, your brain reacts almost like it would if you were in danger. It releases certain chemicals that make you feel on edge or anxious. This is your brain's way of telling you it thinks something important to you might be at risk.
How to deal with a jealous partner?
If your partner is the one feeling jealous, be patient. Talk to them about their feelings and listen without getting upset or defensive. Work on building trust together. Show them through your actions that they're important to you. Overcoming jealousy is a process, and it takes time and effort from both of you.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
Images: Getty
