How to help a grieving friend: 5 ways to support their grief
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Knowing how to help a grieving friend can be difficult. We share 5 practical ways to support a friend, loved one, or anyone else navigating the grieving process.
We never forget the people who showed up when we were navigating the heartache of losing a loved one. Losing someone you love is one of the hardest things that can happen to you. It's a painful experience that can leave you feeling lost, alone, and confused.
If you have a friend who’s grieving, you may be wondering how best to support them. You may feel stuck in a loop of not knowing what to do or say when you see someone you care about in pain. But the most important thing you can do is simply be there for them.
Let them know that you care and that you're there to listen. Just being available to lend a shoulder to cry on can make a big difference. Grieving is a process. It takes time to heal from the loss of a loved one. Be patient with your friend and offer your support every step of the way.
How to comfort a grieving friend: 5 tips (including what to say)
1. Be willing to witness pain
It’s painful to navigate life when someone dies. It just is. And as much as you want to try to make it better, you simply can’t. It’s okay to say that you’re sorry and acknowledge how monumental the loss was, but we recommend avoiding saying that everything happens for a reason or to be grateful for the time you had together.
It’s uncomfortable to witness pain we can’t fix. Be there for them anyway. This doesn't mean you have to be there physically all the time. It could mean calling, texting, or sending a card. Just let them know that you're thinking of them and that you care.
💙 Explore 7 Days of Soothing Pain by Oren Jay Sofer — A 7-day guided meditation to bring more ease and perspective to pain, discomfort, and loss.
2. Listen and acknowledge your friend’s feelings
If your friend wants to talk, listen to them without judgment. Let them express their emotions and share their memories of their loved one. You don't have to try to fix their pain or make them feel better. Just be there to listen.
Reinforce to your friend that feeling sad, angry, or confused is okay. Try not to minimize their pain or encourage them to cheer up.
They may want to tell you the same story over and over. Your friend won’t remember all the details of this time, but they’ll remember that you were there. Active listening is a great way to express your love for them.
Everyone grieves in their own way. Some people need to talk about their grief, while others prefer to keep it private. Respect your friend's boundaries and follow their lead to healing.
💙 Listen to Calm’s Understanding Grief talk to learn how you can show up for a friend going through the grief process.
3. Offer to do ordinary things for them
Your friend may not be in the mood to do much, but there are practical things you can do to help them out.
Grief is hard work and makes the everyday stuff so much more difficult. Asking if there’s anything they need could add to their mental load. Instead, offer to do something specific like cook meals, walk the dog, or help with childcare, and then make that your contribution for six weeks, three months, or longer if you can manage. Even small gestures can show your friend that you care.
4. Follow your friend’s lead
If you’ve lost someone, you never forget the person has died. Some days, your friend may want to talk about them, and other days they won't. Follow their lead. If they don’t want to continue the conversation, let it be. It’s enough that you’ve let them know that you’re not afraid to talk about the person who’s passed away. When they’re ready, they’ll be thankful you are there.
💙 Remind your friend to give themselves permission to Say Yes to Life when they’re ready in these two guided meditations with Tara Brach.
5. Make note of the special days that were important to your friend
The year of firsts, or the first year following the death of a loved one, can be especially difficult. Check in on your friend on their loved one’s birthday , the anniversary of their death, and other holidays they would’ve celebrated together. On your friend’s birthday, keep in mind they may be missing the person who won’t be calling them, too, so try to show up in an extra special way.
What to avoid when helping a grieving friend (including what not to say)
1. Don’t try to hurry their grief
When someone you love passes away, even if death is expected, it’s a shock. It’s difficult to make sense of a world without them. Sometimes, that shock can last weeks, making the person who is grieving seem fine shortly thereafter. It’s often long after death that the initial numbness shifts. Be there for your friend at the beginning of their grief, and then keep being there, no matter how long it takes.
The grieving process is different for everyone and often non-linear. There will be good days and rough days for them. The first years are the hardest, as it takes time to adjust to such a profound change. You don’t miss a person less the longer they’re gone, but you usually, gradually, come to accept it.
Grieving takes time. There’s no quick fix. Be patient with your friend and offer your support every step of the way.
💙 Listen to Managing Expectations by Christine Hassler to discover how encouraging your friend to set realistic goals and expectations surrounding their grief can aid in their healing.
2. Don’t take it personally
There’s a common idea that grief is mostly sadness. While people who grieve are often sad, they may also experience mental confusion, physical pain, exhaustion, anxiety, insomnia, or rage. They may express anger and use sharp words. They may forget important dates, or they may miss plans because it’s too difficult to get out of bed. Be understanding.
💙 If they’re asking for resources, consider sharing Why Grief, Why Now? by grief counselor Joanne Cacciatore, PhD, with your friend to help them grieve with love and honesty.
3. Don't offer unsolicited advice
Unless your friend asks for your advice, it's best not to offer it.
Everyone grieves differently. Telling your friend what to do or how to feel can come across as dismissive and unhelpful. Here are some examples of unsolicited advice you should avoid during this time:
"You should be over this by now."
"You need to move on with your life."
"They wouldn't want you to be sad."
"At least you have other loved ones."
If your friend needs advice, they’ll ask for it. In the meantime, simply be there for them and offer your support.
4. Don’t compare their experience to others
Try not to compare their grief journey to someone else's. Everyone grieves differently and there’s no right or wrong way to move through grief. Just because someone else experienced grief in a certain way doesn't mean that your friend will grieve in the same way. Be patient and understanding with their unique process.
Take care of yourself, too
Helping a grieving friend can be emotionally draining and can even impact your own mental health. It’s important to take care of yourself in this process. There are simple, practical steps you can follow so you’re in the best place to support those around you.
Get enough sleep: When you're well-rested, you're better able to cope with stress and emotions.
Eat healthy foods: Eating nutritious foods gives your body the energy it needs to heal and function properly.
Exercise regularly: Exercise is a great way to reduce stress and improve your mood.
Spend time with loved ones: Social support is important for everyone, but it's especially important when you're going through a difficult time or supporting someone who is.
Talk to someone you trust: If you're feeling overwhelmed, talk to a friend, family member, therapist, or anyone else you trust. It can be helpful to talk about your feelings and get support from others as you do the same for your friend.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
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