Overwhelmed by the mental load of motherhood? 10 tips to help
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
From appointment-making to remembering which kid likes which cereal, the mental load of motherhood can be seriously heavy. Get tips for how to lighten it.
Moms, do you ever feel like you have a running to-do list in your head, and 90% of what’s on it are for other people? That’s the mental load of motherhood, and it’s the reason why, even when you finally sit down, you don’t actually feel like you’re resting.
The mental load isn’t just about what you do — it’s about everything you have to remember to do. It’s keeping track of dentist appointments, permission slips, and which kid suddenly decided they hate blueberries this week. It’s knowing the laundry won’t fold itself and, more importantly, that no one else is even thinking about the laundry in the first place.
And that’s the real issue: This isn’t just about being busy. It’s about being the default thinker, planner, and manager of family life, while everyone else just assumes things will magically happen. (Spoiler: They don’t. You happen.)
Does all of this sound familiar? If so, let’s talk about what this mental load really is, why it always seems to land on moms, and—most importantly—how to lighten the weight without making “fixing it” just another thing on your to-do list.
What is the mental load of motherhood?
The mental load is the invisible, nonstop job of keeping your family life running.
You know when the toilet paper supply is low, when school registration starts, and that tomorrow is pajama day. Your brain is a constant checklist of schedules, groceries, moods, and deadlines that never turns off.
Unlike physical tasks, the mental load is unseen. It’s why you feel drained at the end of the day, even if you “didn’t do much.” And it’s why hearing, “Just tell me what to do!” makes you want to scream — because the point is, you shouldn’t have to keep track of it all in the first place.
Why do mothers often carry the mental load?
This mental juggling act is exhausting, isolating, and completely unfair — and for so many families, it seems to land squarely on mom’s shoulders.
They don’t necessarily want to do it, but society, gender norms, and habit have made it their job by default. Even in households where both parents work full-time, moms still do most of the mental heavy lifting.
How did we get here?
Generations of conditioning: Many people grew up watching their moms instinctively handle everything while their dads got credit for “helping.”
The default parent trap: Even in equal partnerships, moms are often still the go-to for birthday party invitations, school emails, and everything in between.
Invisible work stays invisible: No one notices the effort behind meal-planning, holiday shopping, or remembering Aunt Dorothy’s birthday — so no one thinks to share it.
We don’t trust things will get done: Other people are capable of pitching in, but if mom has been in charge for so long, letting go can feel risky.
The more moms do, the more is expected of them. And when they finally ask for help, their requests are often met with confusion or guilt — as if sharing the load is somehow unfair.
This isn’t a “mom thing.” It’s a systemic issue, not a personality trait. Moms aren’t naturally better at managing life’s details, many were just trained to carry the weight. But that doesn’t mean it has to stay this way.
What are the symptoms of the mental load of motherhood?
Carrying the mental load isn’t just tiring; constant. It’s the background hum of anxiety that makes true rest impossible because there’s always something to plan, track, or remember.
Chronic exhaustion: It’s not just lack of sleep, it’s the nonstop mental checklist running through your mind all day, every day.
Resentment toward your partner: You love your partner (if you have one), but it’s hard not to notice they don’t wake up overwhelmed by schedules, meal plans, and birthday reminders.
Decision fatigue: If one more person asks “What’s for dinner?” your brain might actually short-circuit.
Brain fog: You remember every detail of spirit week but somehow can’t recall why you walked into the kitchen. Your brain isn’t failing — it’s just overloaded.
Anxiety: The weight of all this responsibility makes it feel like if you drop the ball, everything will fall apart. Even accepting help feels stressful.
Guilt: You know you’re doing too much, but somehow, it never feels like enough.
The mental load isn’t just part of motherhood, it’s an unfair burden. Feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, or resentful isn’t failure. It’s proof that this isn’t sustainable.
6 ways to teach your partner about the mental load you carry
Teaching your partner about the mental load is, ironically, another yet another task on your to-do list — which is why so many moms just push through instead. Explaining it, making a plan, and following up to make sure things actually change requires energy you just don’t have.
But here’s the thing: If nothing changes, nothing changes. And while it’s frustrating that it’s on you to initiate this conversation, sharing the load starts with making the invisible visible. Here’s how to do that without it becoming yet another exhausting project.
1. Stop managing, start transferring
The next time your partner says, “Just tell me what to do!” — don’t. Instead of handing out tasks, hand over responsibilities. There’s a difference:
Delegating tasks: “Can you pack the kids’ lunches?” (This means you still have to remember it needs to be done.)
Transferring responsibility: “You’re in charge of school lunches now.” (This means they plan, shop, and pack without reminders.)
If it’s truly shared, you shouldn’t have to think about it anymore.
2. Use the “Would you notice?” test
Ask your partner: “If I didn’t remind you, would you have noticed this needed doing?”
If the answer is no, that’s part of your mental load. It’s not about who does what, it’s about who’s responsible for noticing in the first place. This simple question shifts the conversation from “I help you” (which still puts you in charge) to “This is our shared responsibility.”
3. Stop quality-controlling their efforts
It’s really hard to let go, especially if you’re used to doing things a certain way. But if you want mental relief, you have to let your partner take full ownership of tasks. Just remember that if they do something differently, that doesn’t mean they’re doing it wrong.
If they forget to pack a snack? Your child will learn to ask them next time.
If they buy the “wrong” brand of pasta? The world keeps spinning.
If they handle bedtime differently? The kids will survive.
Micromanaging just reinforces the idea that you’re still in charge, which is exactly what you’re trying to change.
4. Show them the load in real-time
It’s one thing to explain the mental load. It’s another thing to make them experience it.
Try narrating your brain for a day. Out loud. Every single mental task you process, say it:
“Okay, I need to RSVP to that birthday party, but first I have to check the calendar, and I should text his mom about carpooling.”
“I need to unload the dishwasher, but I have to clean the pots first, and oh, we’re almost out of dishwashing detergent.”
“I need to schedule the kids’ doctor’s appointment, but I have to check which days they don’t have school, and oh, I should ask daycare if they require any forms.”
“I just remembered we need to defrost chicken for dinner, but I also need to check if we’re out of milk.”
Let them hear the mental gymnastics in real-time. It’s eye-opening.
5. Let things fall apart (a little)
It’s tempting to just handle everything because the alternative is chaos. But sometimes, the best way to prove the load exists is to stop carrying it.
Don’t remind your partner about the bill that’s due.
Don’t pack the extra diapers in the bag.
Don’t track the school’s dress-up days.
When things inevitably go sideways, resist the urge to fix it. Let them feel the mental load in action. It’s not about punishing them, it’s about shedding light into your reality.
6. Set up a system (so it’s not just your job to keep track)
Once your partner is aware of the load, set up a system that doesn’t rely on you to manage it. A few options:
A family calendar (that everyone checks, not just you).
A divide-and-conquer approach (e.g., one parent handles school stuff, the other manages appointments).
A weekly check-in (so tasks are planned together, instead of you carrying them all week).
You shouldn’t have to remind, double-check, or oversee the system. If you still do, the load isn’t actually shared.
How to lighten your mental load: 10 tips
If teaching your partner about the mental load felt like another job, you’re not wrong. And while redistributing the load is essential, that’s not the only way to take some weight off your overworked, overstretched brain.
Because here’s the truth — you cannot be the family’s default manager, fixer, and problem-solver forever. It’s just not sustainable. So let’s talk about real, practical ways to lighten your mental load without adding even more to your plate.
1. Declutter your to-do list (because not everything is urgent)
When your brain is always in triage mode, everything feels important — but not everything actually needs to be done. Some tasks can be dropped, simplified, or shared.
Let go of non-essentials. If it won’t matter in a week, skip it. No one needs Pinterest-perfect birthday favors. Store-bought cupcakes work.
Automate where you can—grocery delivery, auto-pay, subscriptions—so there’s less to remember. Your mental energy is limited, so spend it on what actually matters. (Here are 10 ways to protect your energy.)
2. Stop keeping the family calendar in your head
If you’re the only one tracking schedules, you’re the only one responsible when something’s forgotten. Get it out of your head and into a shared system.
A Google Calendar, whiteboard, or planner makes it easy for everyone to check what’s happening. Weekly check-ins help distribute responsibilities.
If someone asks, “What’s happening this week?” point them to the calendar. You’re not their personal assistant.
3. Say yes to help (without guilt)
Some moms struggle to accept help not because they don’t want it, but because they feel like we should do it all.
If someone offers to help, say yes — no guilt, no apologies. Letting people step in doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human.
4. Give your brain a break (before it forces you to)
If your brain never gets a break, it will shut down. Avoid burnout by building in real rest before you reach that point. (Here are 22 signs you’re facing it.)
Embrace silence. Sit in the car with no noise, set a hard stop on planning at night, and take at least 10 minutes daily to do nothing productive. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just enough to give your mind a rest.
💙Meditation can help too. Dr. Aditi Nerukar explains why in Stress and Burnout Support.
5. Make peace with letting things fall through the cracks
Things will get forgotten, undone, or ignored and that’s okay.
The dishes can wait. A messy inbox doesn’t define you. Your kid’s school project doesn’t need to be perfect. What matters is that you’re caring for yourself enough to keep going. Everything else is just extra.
6. Establish default roles for recurring tasks
Set default responsibilities so you’re not constantly deciding who does what. One person handles meals, the other does dishes. One manages kid schedules, the other takes care of the car. Clear roles mean fewer “Whose turn is it?” debates.
If you’re the only adult, set defaults for yourself — weekly cleaning, a set grocery day, or a meal plan rotation.
7. Stop saying yes to things that drain you
You don’t have to be the class parent, PTA organizer, or the go-to volunteer. If your plate is full, stop adding to it.
Before saying yes, ask yourself: Would I feel relieved if someone else did this? Am I saying yes out of obligation? What will I have to give up?
If your gut says “Ugh,” it’s a no. Let others step up. You are not required to do it all.
💙 Saying “no” is really tough for some. Explore how to make it easier in Jay Shetty’s session on How to Say No.
8. Assign tasks to your kids (even if it’s easier to do it yourself)
If your kids can make a mess, they can help clean it up. Even little ones can clear their plates or organize their toys. Older kids can pack lunches, put away groceries, and manage their schoolwork.
Teaching them takes time, and yes, they’ll do it imperfectly, but it’s worth it. You are not the only capable person in your household.
9. Schedule yourself in — like an actual appointment
If you don’t schedule time for yourself, it won’t happen. Block it off like any other appointment — whether it’s a workout, coffee with a friend, or a do-not-disturb bath. Treat it as non-negotiable.
If something comes up, don’t be the first to cancel. You wouldn’t skip your kid’s doctor visit because “things got busy,” and you should give yourself the same priority. Need some inspiration for your me-time? Try these 20-plus self-care practices.
10. Give yourself permission to do nothing
Moms are always multitasking, even when they’re “relaxing.” They scroll while planning, fold laundry while watching TV, and keep moving because stopping feels like a luxury we can’t afford.
Remember that you are allowed to do nothing. Sit. Stare out the window. Take a nap. Rest isn’t a reward — it’s a necessity.
💙 It’s not just acceptable to take a break — it’s recommended. Explore this idea more fully with Jeff Warren’s It’s Good to Do Nothing meditation.
Mental load of motherhood FAQs
How does the mental load affect a mother’s mental health over time?
The mental load isn’t just exhausting — it wears you down. Constantly juggling schedules, tasks, and everyone’s emotions means your brain never truly rests. Which can lead to burnout, anxiety, and depression.
And the toll isn’t just mental. Stress from the mental load shows up as headaches, insomnia, and brain fog too. Over time, it breeds resentment, overwhelm, and even a disconnection from yourself. And because this work is invisible, moms rarely get credit for it — making it even more isolating.
How can I ask my partner for help with my mental load?
Asking for help is frustrating when the burden shouldn’t be yours to redistribute in the first place. The goal isn’t just help — it’s shared responsibility, so you’re not the only one keeping track. Instead of “Can you help with dinner?” say, “You’re in charge of planning and cooking dinner on these nights.” This removes you as the default organizer.
Show, don’t just tell. If your partner doesn’t see the mental load, narrate your thought process: “I need to schedule my dentist appointment, but I have to check the school calendar first… oh, and we’re out of toothpaste. Also I need to put gas in the car..” This makes the invisible work visible and highlights that the burden isn’t just doing tasks — it’s constantly thinking about them.
What are some strategies to better divide household responsibilities?
To divide responsibilities fairly, assign full ownership of entire areas. Instead of “Can you take out the trash?”—where you’re the one who’s reminding—say, “You’re in charge of all things trash-related.” This removes you as the default planner.
The Fair Play method by Eve Rodsky takes this further, ensuring that whoever “holds the card” for a task owns the entire process—from planning to execution. Weekly check-ins also help by making sure no one is carrying the load alone.
Can fathers experience the mental load as well, and how does it differ from mothers?
Fathers can experience the mental load, especially as primary caregivers, but in most families, moms carry the bulk of the anticipatory work — planning, remembering, and managing emotions.
Even involved dads are often seen as helpers rather than co-managers by society — and when they do get involved, they’re more likely to get praised for it. By contrast, many people simply expect this of moms.
What role does therapy or counseling play in treating the mental load of motherhood?
Therapy can be a lifesaver when the mental load feels overwhelming. A good therapist helps you recognize unfair expectations, set boundaries, and redistribute responsibilities without adding more emotional labor.
Couples therapy is especially useful if your partner doesn’t fully grasp the mental load. A neutral third party can shift the conversation from “Why can’t you just ask for help?” to, “How do we share this responsibility?”
Therapy also helps tackle mom-guilt, making it easier to prioritize yourself. If you have access, consider it an investment in your mental health and wellbeing.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
Images: Getty
