How to get a child to open up about feelings (without the pressure)

RelationshipsParenting

Jul 23

Written By Calm Editorial Team

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Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Struggling with how to get a child to open up about feelings? These 11 tips for parents or caregivers make it easier to build trust and spark meaningful conversations.

Many parents want to know what’s really going on in their child’s mind. You might wonder what they did at school, who they played with at recess, and most importantly, how they’re feeling about it all.

And while some kids are more than happy to share every detail, many stick to vague answers like “I don’t know,” “Fine,” or “I can’t remember.” Determined to get more information, you might try prying, playing it cool, or even sharing stories about yourself, only to find that nothing helps.

It can be incredibly frustrating and leave you wondering what you're doing wrong.

The good news is, it’s not just you, and there might be small tweaks you can make to help your child open up more. That starts with understanding what might be getting in the way, what actually helps, and how to stay connected. Here’s everything you need to know about getting your child to open up about their feelings.

Why do kids struggle to express their feelings?

Knowing how to name, understand, and discuss your feelings can be difficult for many adults, so it’s no wonder that many kids struggle with it too. Depending on their age, temperament, and past experiences, they may not even have the vocabulary to describe what’s going on inside. Other times, they’re still processing and genuinely don’t know what to say.

So, if your child seems like they’re bottling things up, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re unwilling to talk. It might just mean they need a little more time and support. Here are a few other things that might be going on:

They’re afraid of your reaction: Kids can be incredibly perceptive. If they sense anger, disappointment, or anxiety from you, they might decide it’s safer to stay quiet.
They’ve had past experiences of being shut down: Even a well-meaning “You’re okay!” or “Don’t cry” can teach a child that their feelings are inconvenient or too much.
They’re protecting themselves — or you: Some kids stay quiet because they don’t want to relive a tough moment. Others worry that sharing will upset you.
They don’t want to talk until they feel in control: For many kids, emotional regulation comes first. So, until they’ve calmed down, they might not be ready to talk.

What not to do or say when talking to kids about their feelings

It can be so frustrating when your child won’t talk to you about their emotions. You might feel the urge to press harder, offer solutions to possible problems, or even bribe them to open up, but this might actually make things worse. Try to avoid doing or saying these things with your kids.

Pushing for answers

Saying things like, “Just tell me what’s wrong!” or “Why won’t you talk to me?” can come across as pressure. Even if it’s coming from a place of love, urgency can feel like a demand, and that can make them shut down even more.

Minimizing their emotions

Avoid comments like, “It’s not a big deal” or “You’re fine.” These might seem soothing in the moment, but they can send a message that their feelings don’t matter.

Jumping to solutions

When your child is upset, the last thing they usually want is a list of fixes. Let them speak without interruption, even if it takes them a while to get their words out. This can then make them feel heard, rather than feeling like it’s their job just to be okay.

Asking leading or loaded questions

Steer clear of questions like, “Were you being dramatic again?” or “Did you do something wrong?” Framing conversations in a way that can trigger shame or defensiveness can make it hard to open up.

Overreacting to what they say

Even if what they share is frustrating or scary, try not to let your reaction overwhelm the moment. If your child sees that their feelings cause you distress, they might try to protect you by staying silent next time.

How to get your child to open up about their feelings: 11 tips to create emotional safety

To help your child feel more comfortable talking to you about their feelings, do your best to create an environment where conversation feels natural and safe. These 11 strategies can encourage your child’s emotional openness over time.

1. Prioritize connection

Kids are more likely to share their feelings when they feel emotionally close to you (and not under a microscope). To strengthen your connection, carve out time for play, shared rituals like bedtime talks or weekend walks, and everyday moments of joy.

2. Use open-ended questions

Avoid questions that can be answered with a simple “yes,” “no,” or “fine.”

Instead, try prompts that invite reflection, like “What part of your day was the trickiest?” or “What surprised you today?” And if they shrug, that’s okay. Keep it casual and let the moment pass. You’re simply planting seeds.

Try this: Instead of launching into “How was school?” the minute they get in the car, just be with them. A few minutes later, ask a low-pressure question, like “What made you laugh today?”

3. Validate, even when you don’t understand

You don’t have to agree with your child’s feelings to validate them. Just acknowledge that what they’re experiencing is real for them.

You might try to say something like, “I can tell that really bothered you. Want to talk more about it?” This builds trust. It also tells them that they don’t have to edit themselves to be accepted by you.

💙 Learn how to create a mindful environment during our Conscious Parenting series with Dr. Shefali Tsabary.

4. Be aware of your tone and body language

How you respond really shapes how safe your child feels. If you’re tense, distracted, or disapproving, your child might pull back.

To put them at ease, try softening your posture and making gentle eye contact. You could also keep your voice warm.

5. Avoid turning conversations into lectures

When kids sense a lesson coming, they may stop sharing. Fight the urge to correct them and just listen.

Still, if you feel like guidance is needed, start with something like, “Would it help if I shared what I think, or do you just want me to listen right now?”

6. Create “side-by-side” moments for easier sharing

Many kids, especially those who are generally uncomfortable with direct conversations, open up more when eye contact isn’t required.

Try talking to them when you’re side by side, such as on a walk, driving somewhere together, or doing an activity like a puzzle.

7. Name your own emotions

Modeling emotional expression can help kids learn what’s okay to talk about out loud. When you share how you’re feeling in age-appropriate ways, you give them a roadmap.

If you felt nervous about a meeting today, say that. This shows them that feelings are safe to name, and they can do it as well.

💙 If naming emotions isn’t your strong suit either, try practicing in the Labeling Emotions session with Jay Shetty.

8. Use books, media, and stories as bridges

Sometimes a character in a book or show can say what your child can’t. Use these moments to open a window.

You could say, “Wow, that part seemed hard for that guy. Have you ever felt like that?” This can be a casual and less intimidating way to begin a conversation.

9. Honor their timing

If your child says, “I don’t want to talk,” trust that boundary. Patience helps keep the door to conversation propped open, while prying slams it shut.

So, instead of begging them to reconsider (even if you want to!), try saying something like, “That’s okay. If you ever do want to talk, I’m here. You don’t have to go through it alone.”

10. Praise their courage

When your child does open up, no matter how much they share, make sure to recognize it as something brave.

You could say, “Thanks for telling me that. It means a lot that you trust me.” Over time, statements like this help build emotional safety. It also makes it easier for them to share something similar again.

11. Be mindful of big feelings hiding behind small behaviors

Irritability, withdrawal, or clinginess can all be signs of unspoken emotion.

Instead of focusing only on behavior, get curious about what’s underneath. You could ask them, “I noticed you seemed grumpy earlier. Is anything going on?” If they don’t answer, that’s okay. The fact that you’re paying attention is what matters here.

How to get a child to open up about feelings FAQs

How do I get my shy child to open up and confide in me?

Many times, shy children need more time and a slower pace to feel comfortable sharing. One good way to get them to open up is to focus on building trust through consistent and low-pressure connection.

You could do this by engaging in activities they enjoy, like drawing and reading together, and then using these shared moments to gently open the door to conversation. But try to avoid putting them on the spot.

Instead, create a rhythm of “checking in” that feels casual and expected, like a few minutes of talking at bedtime. This way, you can help your child learn that sharing, even in small ways, is safe and welcomed.

What should I do when my child says, “I don’t want to talk”?

If your child doesn’t want to talk, honor that and let them know that it’s okay, but that you’re here whenever they’re ready.

You could also respond with a gentle, “That’s okay. I’ll check in again later, but if something’s on your mind, you can always come to me.” Then, simply follow through with calm and consistent presence.

How should I reply when my child finally opens up?

When a child shares something vulnerable, how you respond matters deeply. Make sure they know you’re there for them by listening without interrupting and not always jumping in to fix. Then, reflect back what you’re hearing. You could say, “That sounds really hard,” or “Thank you for telling me.”

If you don’t know what to say, that’s okay. Your presence, attention, and belief in them are what count most in that moment.

Should I be worried if my child never talks about emotions?

Many children aren’t naturally expressive or need help building emotional language. Still, if they’re consistently avoiding talking about their feelings and you’re noticing other signs of distress, it may be worth looking deeper.

Some signs to look out for include frequent outbursts, withdrawal from activities they usually enjoy, and changes in sleep patterns or appetite. If you notice any of these signs, consider consulting a pediatrician or a child therapist.

Can books or activities help a child open up?

Books and activities can definitely help a child open up. Many kids find it easier to explore emotions through play and art than through direct conversation, and reading books together can create natural openings for discussion. Imaginative play and drawing emotion faces can help kids express what they don’t yet have words for.

Approaches like this can help kids externalize their feelings and make them feel safer. But as a rule of thumb, aim to keep it light, curious, and open-ended.

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Calm Editorial Team