How to handle sibling rivalry (without making it worse)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Tired of playing referee? These 10 tips for handling sibling rivalry will help you respond with clarity, empathy, and fewer power struggles between your kids.
Watching your children play nicely together is one of the most heartwarming experiences a parent can have. But of course, these sweet moments don’t always last long.
Sibling rivalry, or conflict between brothers and sisters, can lead to pouting, shouting matches, or even physical fights, and it’s often sparked by something as small as an eye roll or a board-game dispute. Meanwhile, parents are often caught in the middle, unsure of when or how to intervene. It’s frustrating, irritating, and downright exhausting for everyone.
The good news is, these types of arguments don’t have to be the constant drumbeat of your home. Here’s everything you need to know about sibling rivalry, how to help reduce power struggles, and simple strategies to reclaim your household’s peace once and for all.
What is sibling rivalry?
Sibling rivalry—that tension, conflict, or competition between siblings—can be tough for parents. Many times, it looks like shouting matches or constant tattling. But beneath that noise, it’s often about navigating identity, belonging, and connection within the family. More specifically, a child’s deep need to feel secure in their relationship with their parents.
When kids sense differences in attention, praise, or rules, they often try to balance the scales by acting out or undermining each other.
Sibling rivalry can also show up in subtler ways. One child may try to outdo the other or even shut down emotionally when their sibling succeeds.
Is sibling rivalry always harmful?
Conflict between siblings can be a natural part of growing up in a shared family space. In fact, in many cases, it’s how children experiment with emotional expression and test boundaries. These tensions can then serve as early practice for skills they’ll need later in social settings.
With that said, the tone and pattern of the conflict matter. When rivalry is frequent or intense, it could cause issues in the family unit or signal something deeper that needs attention. On top of this, persistent hostility, name-calling, and emotional withdrawal can quietly chip away at trust and self-worth over time.
It’s also important to pay attention to your own role. If you often find yourself stepping into referee mode, it can make it harder for your kids to move forward. Instead, aim to create an environment where your children feel safe enough to navigate conflict in healthier ways.
4 types of sibling rivalry
The way sibling rivalry shows up can shift daily depending on mood, the situation, or if anything else is going on in the family. To better understand the dynamics, here are four of the more common ways it tends to appear:
1. Power struggles: If one child tries to take control of a game the family is playing, changes the rules, or controls their sibling, these battles typically reflect a deeper need for autonomy or structure.
2. Attention battles: When kids feel they’re competing for your time, they may act out through boasting, tattling, or even picking fights. This is their way of feeling seen and heard.
3. Comparisons and jealousy: If one child gets more freedom or recognition, the other may withdraw or lash out. Fairness really matters to them, even if your intentions are neutral.
4. Developmental friction: Many times, younger siblings mimic older ones, which can feel intrusive or annoying. These roles can then cause stress if kids don’t have the space to be themselves fully.
How to respond to sibling rivalry: 10 ways to encourage peace at home
When you see your kids fighting, it can be tough not to jump in and fix it. But more often than not, the best solution is about helping them develop the tools to handle their conflict on their own.
To help you have a little more calm at home, here are 10 ways you can better respond to sibling rivalry.
1. Avoid comparing your children to each other
A comment like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” can breed resentment and competition.
Instead, focus on each kid’s individual growth. One way you could do this is by saying, “I see you’re working on remembering your chores. That’s progress.”
💙 Take yourself out of the competitive mindset by listening to Comparison with Tamara Levitt.
2. Notice and name the good stuff
When your kids are getting along, even briefly, call it out. You could say, “I noticed how you helped your brother find his shoes this morning. That was really kind.”
Acknowledging these moments reinforces cooperation, and it also builds a positive feedback loop.
3. Create one-on-one connection time
Children act out when they feel disconnected from you. Make it a priority to set aside dedicated time to give each child your undivided attention. This can help them feel more secure and less likely to seek attention through conflict.
It doesn’t have to be elaborate or even long. It could just be a walk around the block together after dinner or reading a chapter in a book together.
Related read: 60 mindful summer activities for kids that spark joy and wonder
4. Set clear boundaries, not equal outcomes
Fair doesn’t always mean identical. When you need to set a boundary, explain your rationale. You might say, “Your sister gets to stay up later because she’s older. This is something you’ll get to do too when you’re her age.”
Statements like this help kids feel secure, even if they don’t always like the rules.
💙 Strengthen the relationship between your kids and the rules of the house by listening to A Secret to Better Boundaries with Jeff Warren.
5. Teach and model conflict resolution skills
Your home is usually where kids first learn how to navigate disagreements. To help them better handle conflict, model language they can use.
You might say, “I felt upset when you grabbed my toy without asking. Next time, can you ask first?”
Read more: How to communicate better with all the people in your life
6. Step in strategically
If there’s no harm being done, give kids a chance to work out disagreements on their own.
But if things escalate, step in as a neutral guide. You could say something like, “I see you’re both really upset. Let’s take a breather and come back to this when you’re calm.”
7. Name the emotion
When a kid lashes out, it’s usually because of a feeling or unmet need. So, instead of saying something like, “Don’t be mean to your brother,” try, “It sounds like you’re feeling left out. Want to tell me more?”
A statement like this can help your child understand their own emotions. Plus, it reduces the shame that fuels their behavior.
8. Build routines that reduce friction
Rivalry can be fueled by predictable daily stress, like getting out the door on time in the morning or sharing bathroom time.
To lessen potential tension, use visual schedules or timers to make transitions smoother. In general, the more predictable the routine, the less opportunity there is for conflict to take over.
9. Give them room to repair
Conflict is inevitable, but so is repair.
Make an effort to encourage apologies that go beyond “Sorry.” Instead, ask, “What could you do to help your sister feel better?” This helps accountability and gives your child a sense of agency in rebuilding trust.
10. Stay calm when chaos hits
When you react with yelling or urgency, it can add fuel to the fire. But when you pause—even for a breath—you create the emotional space your kids need to co-regulate.
That said, if you do lose it, simply circle back later and explain what happened in a clear way. You might say, “Hey, I got overwhelmed too. I’m working on it, and I’m sorry I raised my voice.” A statement like this can model honesty in a very powerful way.
Related read: 11 ways to deal with mom rage without the shame spiral
Sibling rivalry FAQs
Is sibling rivalry normal?
Sibling rivalry is normal. In fact, it can be developmentally appropriate. Growing up alongside another child in close quarters means learning how to share space, attention, and resources. Plus, all this is typically before kids have the tools to do so gracefully.
Most of the time, rivalry can show up as arguments, jealousy, and emotional withdrawal. All these behaviors can be a natural part of social and emotional development.
Does sibling rivalry ever end?
The intensity of sibling rivalry often changes with age. Many siblings go through rough patches in early childhood and adolescence, when developmental needs are most pronounced. But as kids become more independent, a lot of the daily friction can soften.
With that said, the emotional patterns formed in childhood can still carry into adulthood if they’re left unaddressed. That’s why it’s important to help kids learn healthy communication and mutual respect now, as it can lay the foundation for more connected relationships later on.
How do I know when sibling rivalry is harmful?
Rivalry can become harmful when it’s persistent, emotionally damaging, and physically unsafe. Also, if one child is regularly afraid of the other or if it leaves a lasting mark—like ongoing anxiety or low self-esteem—it might be time to take a closer look.
Other red flags are chronic patterns of bullying, manipulation, and dominance. If you are seeing this, consider looking into a family therapist to help interrupt the cycle in a healthy and reparative way.
Can sibling rivalry actually be good for kids?
Sibling rivalry can be good for kids as it can offer valuable lessons in patience, empathy, compromise, and communication. It also gives kids the opportunity to express strong feelings and learn to navigate differences in a safe environment.
Additionally, it can help build resilience and social awareness. The main key is creating a home where conflict is met with curiosity and not punishment or favoritism.
Should I always step in during my kids’ fights?
It’s natural to want to mediate every disagreement, especially when things get loud or emotional. But intervention can sometimes send the message that your kids can’t solve problems without you. It can also send the message that one child is “right” and the other is “wrong.”
A good rule of thumb is if the conflict isn’t escalating into harm, try giving them space to work through it on their own. That being said, if the argument becomes physical or emotions run too high, it’s more than okay to step in with calm and clear boundaries.
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