Stuck in unrequited love? 12 tips to help you move forward

Relationships

Oct 17

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Unrequited love can leave you feeling stuck and unable to move forward. Discover the signs, common reasons it happens, and 12 tips to let go and reclaim your peace.

Have you ever been in a situation where you’re checking your phone a little too often, waiting for a message that doesn’t come? Or maybe you’ve been replaying conversations in your head, looking for proof that the other person cares the way you do. It is so fun to have a crush on someone, but when those feelings aren’t returned, it can feel really confusing and lonely.

This experience has a name: unrequited love. It’s when the depth of your feelings isn’t matched by the other person’s, leaving you caught in an imbalance that’s both frustrating and painful. While books and movies often frame unrequited love as noble or poetic, the reality is that it can drain your energy, stir up old insecurities, and make it hard to focus on other parts of your life.

Understanding unrequited love doesn’t mean dismissing your feelings — it means naming what’s happening so you can navigate it with more clarity and kindness. We’ll explore what unrequited love is, why it happens, and practical ways to move forward without losing sight of your own worth.

What is unrequited love?

At its core, unrequited love means that your romantic feelings for someone aren’t being returned in the same way. It’s not always about outright rejection, as sometimes the other person may care about you, but not at the same depth or in the same form you do. Other times, they may be completely unaware of your feelings.

Psychologically, unrequited love can trigger a unique kind of distress. Studies using brain imaging have shown that social rejection and emotional pain activate the same neural pathways as physical pain. That’s why your chest might literally ache, or why you feel drained after another day of holding on to hope that doesn’t go anywhere.

It’s important to remember that unrequited love isn’t a reflection of your value and certainly doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. It’s simply the result of a mismatch, whether that’s timing, circumstances, or a difference in how two people connect. Naming it for what it is can be the first step toward easing the weight it carries.

5 types of unrequited love

Not all unrequited love looks the same. Understanding the different shapes it can take might help you identify your own experience more clearly:

1. The one-sided crush: You develop strong feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way. This might happen with a coworker, a friend, or even someone you don’t know very well.

2. The lingering attachment: You’re still in love with an ex-partner who has already moved on emotionally or physically. The sense of holding on makes it hard to fully close that chapter.

3. The uneven relationship: You’re involved in a friendship, situationship, or romantic connection where the emotional investment isn’t balanced. One person wants more intimacy or commitment than the other.

4. The unavailable love: Your feelings are directed toward someone who can’t or won’t reciprocate, such as a person already in a relationship, a mentor, or someone whose life circumstances get in the way of moving forward romantically.

5. The “almost but not quite” fantasy: You imagine a relationship with someone based more on idealized qualities than on what you’re experiencing in reality. The feelings are strong, but they’re tied to possibility rather than a real, mutual bond.

Why we fall in (unrequited) love

It can be confusing and upsetting to care so deeply for someone who doesn’t feel the same way as you do. You might wonder why your heart wants them, even when your head knows it’s not mutual. Psychologists suggest that unrequited love isn’t random, but it often connects to underlying patterns in how we form bonds and seek closeness.

Some common reasons include:

Idealization: When we don’t know someone deeply, it’s easy to fill in the gaps with our hopes and projections for who they are or who they could become. We may highlight their best qualities while overlooking the red flags.
Attachment styles: People with anxious or insecure attachment styles may feel drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable. The chase (though painful) can feel familiar or even validating in a complicated way.
Unfinished business: Sometimes unrequited love repeats dynamics from earlier life experiences, like trying to win the approval of a distant parent or replaying old relationship wounds.
Circumstances and timing: Not every mismatch comes from deep psychology. Sometimes the other person is already in a relationship, focused on other priorities, or simply not in a place to connect romantically.
The allure of possibility: Unrequited love can feel intoxicating because it’s fueled by imagination. Without the realities of day-to-day partnership, the fantasy of “what could be” can feel more powerful than the reality of what is.

How to get over unrequited love: 12 tips to move forward

Moving past your feelings of unrequited love takes time, compassion, and hefty doses of self-love. Below, you’ll find 12 tips to move forward. Think of this as a practical roadmap. Use what helps, and skip what doesn’t.

1. Name what you’re feeling

Say it out loud or write it down. Rejection lights up the same brain regions as physical pain, which is why you may feel physical ache throughout your body. Giving your feelings a name helps reduce the overwhelming feelings that come with this experience and enables you to accept your emotions for what they are.

Try saying:

“I’m experiencing unrequited love.”
“Right now, I feel sad.”
“My feelings are valid because what I felt wasn’t returned.”

💙 Take time to get to know your feelings on a deeper level with help from The Daily Jay’s Labeling Emotions practice.

2. Set a distance plan (for now)

Space helps your nervous system settle. Decide what contact looks like for the next month: no contact, low contact, or logistics-only if you must interact. Limiting exposure online matters too. Mute, unfollow, or set app limits to reduce the constant reminder of their existence as you heal.

Try saying:

“I care about you and need some space to recalibrate. I’ll reach out if that changes.”
“My main priority is to care for my wellbeing.”

3. Reduce cues that reopen the wound

When you’re recovering from unrequited love, it’s important to protect yourself from potential triggers or anything else that may be hindering your progress. Photos, playlists, and saved chats can all cause pain. Put keepsakes in a box, archive threads, or reroute your commute if you keep “accidentally” running into them.

Replace what once was with something more positive. If you opt for a different route to work, find a new coffee shop to frequent to make it more palatable. If you tuck their hoodie deep into your closet so you don’t have to look at it every day, replace it with a new hoodie from your favorite shop.

4. Interrupt the rumination loop

Rumination (and the endless “what ifs”) keeps pain alive. Try scheduling a 15-minute “worry window” once a day, where you give yourself an allotted time to engage with your worries or feelings. Outside of this window, if something comes up, write it down and return to it later. If your mind spirals, pause for three deep breaths and then engage in a quick, grounding task like washing dishes or stretching to move the energy from your mental space to physical space.

Try this journal prompt:

What I know vs. what I’m guessing: List facts in one column and assumptions in the other

💙 Give structure to your spiral in a healthy way with Scheduled Worry Time, a guided exercise led by Chibs Okereke.

5. Reframe the situation in your mind

Reframing your situation doesn’t mean you’re in denial. It showcases that you’re shifting to a steadier view of your reality. Instead of thinking something like, “This happened because I’m not good enough,” try saying, “This was a mismatch and isn’t an indication of my worth.” This helps reduce intensity without shutting down your emotions.

Try this:

Instead of saying: “If I were more attractive, maybe they would love me.”
Say something like: “They didn’t choose me for whatever reason, so I’ll choose people who do.”

6. Practice self-compassion

Self-kindness and self-compassion may sound a bit silly, but research shows they actually improve emotional resilience. Plus, there’s no such thing as giving yourself too much self-care, especially when you’re experiencing unrequited love.

Try this approach:

Notice the pain you’re feeling: “I’m feeling rejected and sad.”
Remind yourself that other people have experienced similar pain: “I’m not alone in having gone through this.”
Speak to yourself with care and kindness: “It’s okay that I feel this way, and I will heal in time.”

7. Work with your brain’s “sticky” reward wiring

Your brain’s reward circuits are wired to crave connection. Don’t overthink it — it’s human. But this deep desire for connection explains why you feel the urge to check their social media feed or text them to ask how they’re doing. Expect that urge to engage with them, because it’ll happen. As a way to combat actually reaching out to them, try adding friction.

Here’s how:

Log out of social media apps or delete them from your friends list
Delete old photos (or at least archive them so they aren’t easily accessible)
Enable app limits or use downtime settings so urges pass before you act

8. Reinvest in self-expansion

Heartbreak narrows life to one storyline of having someone you want and then losing them. Start a new chapter in your life by incorporating novelty, challenge, or change. When you’re going through a breakup or moving on from a connection, it’s the perfect time to learn a skill, try a new workout class, or plan small adventures on weekends with close friends. Research shows self-expansion helps rebuild identity and supports future relationships.

Try these:

Take a pottery class
Get involved in neighborhood sports or local leagues
Fire up a language app
Volunteer regularly at your local park or animal shelter

9. Lean into reciprocal support

Being around people who show up for you may soften the loneliness you’re experiencing. Social support doesn’t just help emotionally or in the short-term, but it’s linked to better long-term health, as well. Schedule social time, like taking medicine, by engaging in at least one social plan each week, no matter how small.

Reach out to a trusted friend or family member and mention that you could use some extra quality time.

10. Keep a steady, basic routine

Grief can make routines fall by the wayside. Instead of aiming for perfection, aim for good enough. Take a 10-minute walk after work, include some protein with breakfast, and keep your phone out of the bedroom to improve your sleep. Simple, repeatable tasks keep your body steady so your mind has room to heal. Go slow, and take your time.

11. Create closure rituals

Sometimes your brain (and heart) needs a definitive marker of, “this is the end.” For some, that may be deleting every reminder of them and moving forward full steam ahead. For others, writing may help. Write a letter to them that you won’t send. You can even summarize what you experienced, appreciated, what was missing, and what you’re releasing and keep it locked away in your journal. Expressive writing has been shown to lighten emotional load and help people process breakups in their own way and in their own time.

Try these prompts:

What I appreciated…
What was missing or mismatched…
What I’m taking forward…
What I’m releasing…

12. Reach out for professional support

If unrequited love feels like a repeating cycle or you find yourself stuck in it longer than you’d like, therapy can help.

Common therapeutic approaches include:

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for rumination and balanced thinking
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to build values-based action alongside difficult feelings
Attachment-focused work (e.g., EFT) to understand why certain dynamics pull you in

Unrequited love FAQs

What are some signs of unrequited love?

Unrequited love can show up in subtle but consistent ways. You may notice that you’re the one putting in more energy by initiating contact, making plans, or sharing personal details about your life, while the other person doesn’t respond with the same enthusiasm.

There may also be a sense of imbalance in affection. Maybe you think about them constantly, but they don’t seem to prioritize you in their daily life. Another sign is persistent uncertainty. You’re often left guessing how they feel, even though their actions already show a lack of reciprocity.

Is unrequited love real love?

The emotions you’re experiencing are very real, and they can feel just as strong as love in a mutual relationship. But most psychologists define love as something that requires reciprocity through both people investing, caring, and choosing each other.

Unrequited love is better understood as a form of longing, attachment, or desire that hasn’t grown into a shared connection. That doesn’t make it any less valid, but it does mean it’s not the full picture of love as it can exist in a mutual relationship.

Why can unrequited love hurt so much?

The pain of unrequited love isn’t just in your head. Brain imaging studies show that rejection can activate the same neural pathways as physical pain, which explains why your body can feel heavy, restless, or even physically sore when you’re going through it.

Beyond biology, unrequited love can stir up old insecurities and attachment wounds, making you question your worth or replaying patterns of not feeling chosen. The combination of physical and emotional pain makes the experience especially intense.

How long does it take to get over unrequited love?

There’s no single timeline — it depends on the depth of your feelings, the role this person plays in your life, and how much distance you’re able to create.

For some people, the ache eases within a few weeks, especially if they have strong support systems and healthy distractions. For others, it can take months to fully let go, especially if the relationship (or imagined relationship) was central to their sense of identity.

What matters most is not how fast you move on, but whether you’re creating conditions that support healing, like taking space, surrounding yourself with supportive people, and embracing new experiences.

Can unrequited love ever turn into mutual love?

It’s possible, but it’s rare, and it’s not something you can force. Sometimes, as people get to know each other better or life circumstances shift, feelings may change. But waiting around in hopes that someone’s emotions will align with yours often leads to prolonged pain and feeling stuck.

A healthier approach is to accept the relationship as it is now, rather than holding onto a “what if.” If mutual love ever develops, it will come from both people choosing it and not from you waiting for them to change.

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unrequited love

Calm Editorial Team