Is “mankeeping” affecting your mental health? Here's what to do

Relationships

Nov 17

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Mankeeping is the unseen emotional labor women do to support men. Here are 13 tips to recognize it, set boundaries, and share the mental load more equally.

You’re in the middle of a conversation with your partner when you remind them (again) that it’s their friend’s birthday this weekend. Later, you’ll help them draft a text to their mom, talk them down from a work spiral, and reassure them (twice) that no, they didn’t sound weird at the dinner party last night. It’s not that you mind being supportive, but it now seems like you’ve become the unofficial emotional manager of the relationship. And the worst part is, no one seems to notice.

This kind of dynamic is so common, it now has a name: “mankeeping”. It refers to the emotional labor women often carry in heterosexual relationships, such as tracking social plans, maintaining peace, and serving as a steady source of encouragement and regulation. Unlike dishes or laundry, this work doesn’t leave evidence. But over time, it can drain your energy and strain your mental health in ways that are hard to explain.

So why does mankeeping happen? And what can you do if you’re feeling overextended, under-supported, and unsure how to shift the balance? Here’s what to know about the phenomenon, along with strategic tips to help.

What is “mankeeping”?

Mankeeping is the ongoing, often invisible work women do to manage men’s emotional and social lives. It’s not about daily tasks like taking out the trash or paying the bills, but more about more everyday things — like remembering to send the family birthday card, asking about his rough day, or making sure he maintains his social circle.

Here are a few ways it can show up in daily life:

Prompting him to make or keep plans with friends
Reminding him to stay in touch with family
Serving as his go-to emotional outlet for work stress
Helping him process feelings he struggles to articulate

Think of mankeeping like constant upkeep. Since these tasks happen in the background, they often go unrecognized, which means the responsibility quietly becomes one partner’s default role.

Why mankeeping is trending

The term mankeeping has gained traction because it names something women have long experienced but rarely discussed: the hidden responsibility of being a man’s social and emotional safety net.

One reason it’s resonating now is the growing conversation around male loneliness. Studies suggest that men have fewer close friendships today than they have in previous decades, with many relying primarily on their romantic partners for emotional connection. A Stanford study describes this decline as a “male friendship recession,” where shrinking male networks leave women carrying more of the emotional and social labor in relationships.

Culturally, as well, men often feel discouraged from showing emotional vulnerability. This makes it harder for them to seek or build emotional support outside of their romantic partnerships.

The word mankeeping crystallizes a pattern many partners have felt in the past, but didn’t have the language to explain.

How emotional labor can impact women’s mental health

When one partner takes on the majority of emotional management, its no longer an act of self-care, but rather, a chronic source of stress. Women often describe feeling stretched thin, unable to fully invest in their own friendships, rest, or goals because their bandwidth is consumed by another person’s needs. Over time, this imbalance can affect their mental health.

Here are a few ways constant mankeeping can manifest as mental health symptoms:

Burnout: The exhaustion comes from always being the emotional buffer — smoothing over tension, absorbing outbursts, and offering support on demand. Over time, the constant output with little reciprocity depletes a woman’s capacity to care for herself, leading to burnout.
Resentment: This builds quietly when emotional caretaking becomes expected rather than appreciated. Being relied on for regulation, reassurance, and perspective (without any recognition for it) starts to feel less like love and more like labor.
Stress and anxiety: Living in a heightened state of emotional vigilance takes its toll. Women can often find themselves anticipating the other person's moods, adjusting their behavior to prevent conflict, or feeling responsible for their man’s mental health. All of this combined wires their system for chronic tension.
Disconnection from self: When one’s focus is always on someone else's feelings, their own start to disappear from the equation. Women begin to realize their needs get suppressed and their desires go unexplored, making it harder for them to recognize what they want or how they feel outside the relationship.

Research on mental load and emotional labor reinforces these experiences. They point out that being the default caretaker (whether logistically or emotionally) is linked to higher stress levels and lower relationship satisfaction.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that supporting a partner emotionally is inherently harmful. The issue starts when it becomes one-sided, unacknowledged, or expected. In these cases, it risks eroding both individuals’ wellbeing, as well as the joint health of the relationship.

13 tips to help you deal with mankeeping

Noticing the pattern of mankeeping is the first step to creating change in your dynamic. Here are some tips that can help lighten the load, set healthier boundaries, and create more balance in your relationship without losing the connection.

1. Name the pattern and map the load

Start by recognizing that what you’re doing isn’t just being supportive, but rather, a pattern of emotional labor that often goes unseen. For one week, track every seemingly invisible task you’re handling: the check-in texts, the calendar nudges, the social planning logistics, and even the emotional buffering. Then, record how often it happens and how much effort each moment takes.

Once you’ve established that, kindly bring the list to your partner. You could say something like, “I’ve realized I’ve been tracking a lot of our social and emotional to-dos, and I’d like us to look at it together and rebalance.” Making that labor visible and naming it together opens the door to sharing the load.

2. Shift from helping to shared ownership

When you constantly default to telling your partner you’ll remind them of something, you end up carrying a responsibility that belongs to both of you. A more balanced dynamic happens when tasks live outside your head and become genuinely shared.

Try using a joint calendar for birthdays, appointments, and friend catch-ups, and let the person who owns the task set the reminder. This change might feel small in theory, but it sends the message that emotional and logistical work is not exclusively your job.

3. Set clear boundaries with care

When emotional labor starts to merge with your identity, it’s only a matter of time before burnout happens. Instead, set boundaries to protect your energy without cutting off connection.

Use a boundary script like, “I care about you deeply, but I can’t be your first call every time work is rough. When it spikes, try a 10-minute walk, then reach out to your group chat or book time with your therapist. I’ll be here later for our check-in at the end of the workday.”

This kind of phrasing holds your support intact, while also clarifying what you won’t take immediately by default.

4. Run a 15-minute weekly sync

Rather than trying to ad-hoc manage everything, establish a consistent check-in that keeps both of you aligned.

For example, you could take 15 minutes every Sunday and set an agenda that discusses the following: What’s on our plates this week? What needs emotional support? What can we drop? Who owns what? This helps to transform your role from sole manager into co-planner.

5. Build his support bench (so you aren’t the whole team)

It’s unfair to be the only emotional outlet for your partner in a relationship, and allowing for a network keeps things balanced — like one close friend, one hobby/group, and one professional outlet.

Getting him into the habit of having external support means you’re no longer carrying the full weight of his regulation, stress, and connection. You’re still in his corner, but he has back-ups too.

6. Replace coaching with curiosity

Slip out of the role of the in-house therapist and into the role of a partner by shifting how you respond. Try this three-step cue: reflect what you heard (“Sounds like you felt dismissed in that meeting”), ask what he needs (“Do you want advice, empathy, or distraction tonight?”), and then pause and let him lead.

Making sure you’re not trying to fix everything for him all the time also helps you take care of your own needs, too.

7. Stop over-functioning in conflict

When you’re always the de-escalator in an argument, you become both the mediator and regulator. Instead, establish a framework you both agree on. For instance, if you both start raising your voices, take a 20-minute regroup, or make sure to always use “I” statements to express how you feel.

Having these ground rules in place shifts responsibility. Instead of you constantly being his emotional firewall, you both become active participants in conversation.

💙 Need some extra support when arguments happen? Listen to De-escalating Conflict with Tamara Levitt on the Calm app.

8. Plan for high-stress windows

Life stressors often show up unexpectedly, and before you know it, you’re hit with deadlines, back-to-school prep, and family chaos. Before a life stressor hits, set clear expectations about what you won’t do (like no extra reminders or deep emotional processing late at night), and agree on how your partner might self-regulate.

But this doesn’t mean you both go through things alone: it just means that you don’t overfunction. Instead of being constantly available, choose a quick reconnection ritual—like a 10-minute walk or shared playlist—to help regulate you both. That way, when stress spikes, you’ve got a plan.

💙 For a simple way to unwind outside, try the Mindful Walking meditation with Tamara Levitt on the Calm app.

9. Rotate invisible jobs so they aren’t yours by default

Emotional and logistical work often falls by default on one person in the relationship. Change that by creating “captain roles” that switch monthly: family communication, social planning, gift logistics, and even healthcare follow-ups.

The “captain” tracks, decides, and executes. So, for example, the captain of ‘friends and family’ handles all the correspondence that month, and decides which texts, events, or obligations are important. It rebalances the work and reminds both partners that they’re team players, rather than sole carriers.

10. Use tech to offload the mental tabs

Tech can work to your advantage if you use it right. You can create a shared note where he can log tasks and deadlines, and ask him to set up his own auto-reminders. These micro-boundary tools keep the work visible without your nerves doing the tracking. If he ever does ask you for a reminder, it’s okay to let him know that your memory won’t be as reliable as his calendar.

11. Screen for mankeeping early if you’re dating

You can catch the dynamic before it becomes a pattern. Ask questions like, “How do you handle stress?” “Who do you lean on besides a partner?” Be mindful of whether he expects you to do the heavy lifting.

Make sure he maintains his own friendships, initiates plans, and names feelings instead of expecting you to regulate them. If misalignment shows up early enough, you can catch it before you’re in too deep.

12. Care for your nervous system

Emotional labor can eat at your energy. Protect your brain and body with short resets or practices you can use when needed, like a 90-second cold face splash after heavy talks, box breathing, or connecting with a friend to talk about something other than your relationship.

While these routines may not sound like much, they’re actually very practical (and useful) ways to recharge when you’re spent emotionally.

💙 Need some help with a breathing exercise? Press play on SOS Breathwork with Chibs Okereke on the Calm app.

13. Know when to step back

Even the best efforts falter when your boundaries are ignored again and again. If the dynamic doesn’t change no matter what you do, you may need to step back from the relationship or any of the roles you’re accustomed to temporarily.

You can also suggest couples therapy if both are willing. If you face repeated contempt, stonewalling or blame games, prioritize your wellbeing first.

Mankeeping FAQs

What is the definition of mankeeping?

Mankeeping is the ongoing, often invisible work women do to manage men’s emotional and social lives. Unlike physical chores, which are more visible and easier to divide, mankeeping is subtle and related to everyday tasks: think reminding a partner to reach out to friends, providing the bulk of emotional support after stressful days, or managing the couple’s social calendar.

It’s a form of emotional labor that keeps men’s lives connected and balanced. But because it often goes unnoticed, it can lead to a lot of resentment.

How does mankeeping cause burnout?

Burnout happens when you keep working on something and expending energy, but you don’t replenish it. When mankeeping, many women may find themselves on duty emotionally, even after handling work, family, and personal obligations at the end of a long day.

The lack of recognition compounds the exhaustion since the effort is invisible, so women don’t feel validated or like there’s any reciprocation. Over time, this imbalance can show up as irritability, fatigue, or resentment, making it harder for women to feel present in the relationship.

Why is mankeeping linked to the male loneliness epidemic?

Research has suggested that men’s social networks have been shrinking over the past few decades, leaving many with fewer close friends or confidants than before. In heterosexual relationships, this often means that a man’s partner becomes his primary (and in some cases, only) emotional outlet.

While intimacy and vulnerability are healthy parts of a partnership, relying on just one person for all your emotional support creates pressure and imbalance. This is where mankeeping emerges. Women end up carrying the burden of maintaining both partners’ social and emotional lives, which can lead to strain on their own wellbeing.

How can women set boundaries around mankeeping?

Setting boundaries around mankeeping starts with noticing and naming the imbalance, which can then be framed with clarity and care.

For example, instead of reminding a partner to reach out to his family, a woman might say, “I need to step back from keeping track of your calls. Would you like to set a reminder on your phone instead?” This helps remove the woman from the equation, but still makes sure the task gets done.

Often, boundaries also involve redirecting responsibility toward shared or personal ownership, so the load isn’t silently absorbed. This means having honest conversations about both partners’ feelings in the dynamic, and making sure to work on dividing the responsibility evenly. Over time, these small shifts help create healthier dynamics where both partners share the work of emotional upkeep.

Is mankeeping always a bad thing?

Not necessarily. Supporting a partner emotionally is part of any healthy relationship, and many people take joy in nurturing and caring for those they love. When mankeeping is reciprocal, recognized, and not assumed as one partner’s default role, it can deepen intimacy rather than drain it.

The problem arises when it becomes one-sided, constant, or invisible. In this case, care turns into expectation, rather than choice. Without balance, mankeeping stops feeling like love and starts feeling like labor.

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mankeeping

Calm Editorial Team