10 signs of parental alienation (and how to recover)

ParentingPersonal Growth

Dec 29

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Parental alienation can leave lasting scars into adulthood. Discover the signs and symptoms, plus 10 tips to help you heal.

If you grew up caught between your parents—feeling like caring for one meant turning your back on the other—you might have experienced something called parental alienation. More than just family tension, parental alienation happens when one parent influences a child to reject the other. And it often happens in subtle, confusing, and hard-to-name ways at the time.

As the years go by, the emotional weight of that dynamic doesn’t always fade. It can shape your relationships, your sense of trust, and how safe you feel being close to others. You might second-guess your memories, struggle with guilt or loyalty, or feel unsure of where you truly stand, even as an adult. But know that you’re not stuck in these patterns forever.

Let’s get into what parental alienation is, how it can affect you long after childhood, and a few compassionate ways to begin untangling those patterns on your own timeline, and in your own way.

What is parental alienation?

Parental alienation happens when one parent pressures or manipulates a child to turn against the other parent, often without a clear or justifiable reason. This can cause a deep emotional split that affects how a child feels about trust, safety, and family as they grow up.

The term first came up in the 1980s by psychiatrist Richard A. Gardner, who called it “parental alienation syndrome.” These days, however, most experts don’t use the word “syndrome” because the issue isn’t a mental disorder. Instead, they talk about parental alienation as a pattern of behavior and family conflict.

Even though the name has changed, the issue has not. If a child starts to reject or distrust one parent—not because that parent was abusive or neglectful, but because of the other parent’s influence—it’s considered parental alienation. It can lead to long-term emotional effects like guilt, confusion, loyalty struggles, and trouble forming healthy relationships later on in life.

5 examples of parental alienation

Parental alienation can show up in many ways. These examples are not diagnostic checklists, but common scenarios adults often recognize when reflecting on their childhood experiences.

Family therapists call these alienating behaviors: actions or narratives that distort a child’s view of one parent and create a lasting disconnect. Some examples include:

A child is told by one parent that the other doesn’t care or only wants limited contact, even when that parent is actively trying to stay involved.
One parent frequently criticizes or mocks the other within earshot of the child, sending the message that loyalty must be earned by choosing sides.
The child begins repeating the alienating parent’s language or beliefs, even when those ideas don’t match reality. Some examples of things they could say include, “Dad never cared about me” or “Mom only thinks about herself.”
The alienating parent blocks or limits contact, perhaps by canceling visits, moving away, or restricting communication between the child and the other parent.
The child refuses to see or speak to the other parent, giving vague reasons like “I just don’t feel comfortable,” despite having had a positive relationship with that parent in the past.

A note on controversy and context

It’s important to acknowledge that the term “parental alienation” carries controversy, especially in custody and domestic abuse cases. Some families do experience real alienation, but the idea has also been misused in court — sometimes to question or silence a parent (often a survivor) who is trying to protect their child from harm.

Because of this, many experts now focus more on the behaviors involved by the parent or on parent-child conflict, instead of using the older term “parental alienation syndrome.” The goal is to understand how these patterns (whether done intentionally or not) can affect a child’s emotions and future relationships.

What causes parental alienation?

Many cases of parental alienation arise in the context of custody disputes or separations when one parent feels defeated, resentful, or insecure. One parent may try to control the situation or get revenge by using the child as a pawn, either consciously or subconsciously.

Emotional engulfment occurs when a child becomes too closely tied to the parent who is alienating them. This can create a strong sense of loyalty that makes the child feel stuck. It often happens because the child is pulled into adult problems, emotions, or secrets that they’re simply too young for.

Alienation can get worse if no one steps in to help. When extended family, professionals, or the legal system fail to set healthy boundaries or act in time, the child may become more distant from the other parent. Children who are younger, emotionally sensitive, or already feeling insecure may be more susceptible to manipulation.

10 signs you might have experienced parental alienation

There are certain signs of parental alienation that adults often recognize when looking back at their childhood.

If you check many of these, it may indicate that parental alienation was part of your story. But note: this isn’t to blame yourself or your family, but to simply understand your past with more compassion and give yourself the space you need to heal.

You rejected or deeply disliked one parent (or their extended family), despite lacking clear reasons.
Your reasons for rejecting that parent felt vague, or you found yourself repeating things someone else had said.
You felt loyal to one parent and uncomfortable being close to the other, even while part of you wanted a connection with the other parent.
You feel guilt, shame, or confusion now about how you treated one of your parents or how things ended between the two of you.
You remember feeling pressured to take sides. You also likely overheard negative comments about the other parent and believed that you couldn’t express positive feelings about them without consequences.
The parent you rejected was portrayed as entirely “bad” while the other was “good”, without much nuance or ambivalence.
You suppressed memories and tried to forget a certain parent or events, simply because they felt too painful or confusing.
As an adult, you find that you struggle with trust, self-worth, relationships, or identity in ways that you suspect link back to an old parent-child dynamic.
You avoid bringing up any issues you may have had with either parent, because you feel like you’re still taking sides or that you should be over it by now.
You find yourself repeating patterns in your adult relationships, such as difficulty with intimacy or attachment, being overly sensitive to conflict, or even alienating others subconsciously.

How to recover from parental alienation: 10 tips for healing as an adult

Healing from parental alienation is rarely quick or straightforward. It often means learning how to trust again, make sense of your history, and reconnect with parts of yourself that were influenced by outside factors. But while it’s not linear, healing is possible.

These 10 steps offer a grounded way forward, allowing for progress in a way that supports your nervous system.

1. Name what happened, even if you’re unsure what to call it

Begin by acknowledging your experience, even if the words don’t feel exact. You might say, “I grew up feeling pressured to turn against one of my parents, and that stayed with me.”

Whether you call it parental alienation, manipulation, or something else, the label matters less than the clarity it brings. Saying it out loud can be the first step toward making sense of it.

💙 Try to Clarify Your Feelings Through Writing with Dr. Julie Smith on the Calm app.

2. Build a safe support system

Parental alienation often leaves people feeling isolated or unsure who to trust. Healing starts by finding people who can hold space for your story without trying to fix it. This could be anyone: a therapist, a friend, or even a peer group that just gets it.

Be clear about what you need, whether that’s advice or just someone to listen. A safe, steady connection helps repair the trust that alienation may have damaged.

3. Set boundaries you can actually keep

Boundaries aren’t walls, but making sure you keep them will help protect your peace. Think about what feels manageable when it comes to time, topics, or tone.

You might say, “I’m not comfortable talking about the other parent. If that comes up, I’ll need to end the call,” or “I can stop by for an hour, but I’ll leave if things get tense.” What matters most is following through. Each time you hold a boundary, you’re reminding your nervous system that it’s safe to stand up for yourself.

💙 Learn how to create Emotional Boundaries with Jay Shetty on the Calm app.

4. Grieve what you lost

You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge. If you experienced parental alienation, you might carry grief for the parent you were pushed away from, the connection you never got, or the fact that your childhood was shaped by tension and loyalty conflicts.

Naming that loss can be powerful. You might write it down, talk with someone you trust, or mark it with a simple ritual like lighting a candle or taking a silent walk. When you allow yourself to grieve, you create room to reconnect with your own emotions, people you trust, and the parts of yourself that felt shut down or ignored.

5. Relearn balanced thinking

Parental alienation often leaves behind black-and-white beliefs that linger long after childhood: one parent was all good, and the other all bad.

But real healing means making space for both truths and seeing each parent’s strengths and mistakes without needing to take sides. When you notice all-or-nothing thinking, try adding, “Another truth is…”

6. Choose your level of contact intentionally

You have the right to decide how much contact (if any) you want with each parent. That could mean no contact for now, short and structured visits, or only communicating in specific ways.

What matters is that you make a decision that supports your mental and emotional health, whatever that looks like. Try not to let guilt, pressure, or old family roles influence you.

But also, none of your decisions need to be set in stone, so don’t worry about making the wrong one. You can always adjust as your needs change.

7. Move slowly if you want to reconnect

If you decide to reconnect with the parent you were alienated from, take it slow and give yourself plenty of room to breathe. Start with low-pressure moments, like maybe a short call or a simple conversation about everyday things.

You might say, “I’d like to get to know you now, but I’m not ready to talk about the past yet.” Rebuilding a relationship takes time, and it’s okay to move at a pace that feels safe for both of you. Curiosity helps make a real connection possible.

8. Learn to navigate conflict safely

If conflict used to feel unsafe or manipulative, it makes sense that even small disagreements can feel overwhelming now. But conflict doesn’t have to mean chaos. When used correctly, it can be a space for clarity and self-respect.

Try using short, honest “I” statements instead of long explanations. Handling conflict calmly is a skill, but mastering it helps you stay grounded and connected, even when things feel hard.

9. Practice self-compassion as an everyday habit

It’s normal to look back and feel shame about what you believed, how you acted, or how long it took you to understand the full picture. But you weren’t the problem: you were a child doing their best in a situation they didn’t choose.

Try saying to yourself, “I was surviving something really hard.” Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend who might have gone through the same thing. That self-kindness is what helps soften guilt and make room for healing.

💙 Need some extra support? Press play on The Path of Self-Compassion with Jay Shetty on the Calm app.

10. Get the right kind of professional support

If difficult patterns still shape your relationships or mental health, working with a therapist who understands family systems or childhood emotional neglect can make a real difference. It’s okay to ask directly about their experience with parental alienation, too: that clarity matters.

The right support can help you work through old pain, rebuild trust in yourself and others, and strengthen a sense of identity that isn’t tied to loyalty battles or divided roles.

Parental alienation FAQs

What are the main symptoms of parental alienation?

Typical signs of parental alienation include rejecting one parent without a clear reason and giving weak or unclear explanations for that rejection. The alienated child usually shows little or no guilt about it, claiming the decision was made independently.

They also tend to strongly favor the alienating parent, reject the extended family of the alienated parent, and constantly repeat the alienating parent's opinions or language.

Is “parental alienation syndrome” the same as parental alienation?

Not exactly. Parental alienation syndrome is an older term from the 1980s that framed the issue as a mental disorder, which experts no longer recognize.

Today, most use parental alienation to describe the same behaviors without the “syndrome” label, as it’s more so a series of behaviors and often the result of trauma.

Can parental alienation affect me as an adult?

Yes, and the impact can run deep. Even if the alienation happened years ago, it can still shape how you trust others, understand yourself, set boundaries, and navigate relationships.

Research shows that many adults who went through parental alienation as kids continue to feel the effects, sometimes without even realizing where it all started.

Is parental alienation the same as child estrangement?

Not quite. While they can look similar on the outside, the reasons behind them are different.

Child estrangement often happens for understandable reasons, like abuse, neglect, or addiction. Parental alienation, on the other hand, involves one parent influencing the child (directly or indirectly) to reject the other parent without a clear or fair reason.

What are some examples of parental alienation behaviors?

Parental alienation can show up in subtle or obvious ways. It might look like one parent constantly criticizing the other in front of the child, or saying things like, “They don’t really love you.”

It can also include blocking visits, making the child feel guilty for spending time with the other parent, or asking the child to lie or spy. Sometimes, it shows up as pressure to take sides or discouraging contact with the other parent’s family and friends.

How long does it take to heal from parental alienation?

There’s no set timeline. After all, healing looks different for everyone.

How quickly you heal can depend on many factors, such as how long the alienation lasted, how old you were when it happened, whether you’ve faced other trauma alongside it, and how much support you have as an adult.

What matters most isn’t how fast healing happens, but that you’re moving toward more clarity, connection, and emotional safety at a pace that feels good to you.

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parental alienation

Calm Editorial Team