Why letting go can be so hard (and 8 ways to actually do it)

Personal Growth

Jan 15

Written By Calm Editorial Team

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA

Struggling to let go of the past or things you can’t control? Learn 8 ways to use mindfulness to help you release regret, ease stress, and feel more emotionally free.

The thoughts you work hard to avoid have a way of showing up when your hands are busy and your guard is down. While you’re brushing your teeth or folding laundry, an old argument resurfaces. A long-held grudge tugs at you. A low-grade worry about how you’re managing your life starts running the show. You may not think about it all day, but it hasn’t gone anywhere. It still lives in your body, taking up space.

You probably know—at least intellectually—that letting it go would help. It might even feel like a relief. But knowing that doesn’t make it easy. That’s not a personal failure; it’s biology. The brain doesn’t release what it still reads as unresolved. It holds on when something feels unfinished, unsafe, or emotionally charged.

The good news is that letting go doesn’t have to mean forcing yourself to “move on” before you’re ready. There are ways to loosen your grip that work with your nervous system instead of against it. Let’s break down why letting go can be so difficult, plus a few mindfulness-based tools that can help your body actually feel safe enough to do it.

What does “letting go” mean?

Letting go is the slow, steady process of loosening your grip on thoughts, memories, fears, or hopes that have taken up more space in your brain than they need to. It’s not like you’re choosing to forget about it, but you’re no longer giving it the power to emotionally direct your day.

Clinically, letting go overlaps with skills like emotional regulation, cognitive flexibility, and acceptance. These skills don’t erase the pain, but they help you shift from reacting out of habit to responding with more clarity. It’s a series of small moments that add up over time.

When you let go, you’re also making peace with anything that’s outside your influence, like the past or the future. You don’t have to solve everything all at once. You’re allowed to unclench (even briefly) to give yourself a moment of ease.

What letting go doesn’t mean

There are a few myths around letting go that make the process feel more intimidating than it needs to be. People may think it means dismissing their feelings, or adding pressure to heal when they’re not ready. But that’s not true.

Letting go does not mean:

Erasing the past
Forgiving before you’re ready (or at all)
Cutting people off without reflection
Forcing positivity
Shaming yourself

Why is it so hard to let go?

Letting go feels difficult because your mind and body are wired to protect you. When something painful happens, the brain stores it as a threat and may replay it long after the moment has passed in an attempt to prevent future hurt. Even uncomfortable patterns like regret or resentment can feel safer than the uncertainty of change, so the nervous system clings to what it knows.

Emotional memories also imprint more deeply, which is why one painful moment can feel louder than many calm ones. And underneath it all, letting go often involves grief: whether it’s releasing a relationship, a hope, or a past version of yourself. Even when your mind feels ready, your body may still react as if the threat is nearby. Letting go is about helping your mind and body find a gentler, safer way to move forward.

What are the benefits of letting go for your health and wellbeing?

Letting go can feel subtle at first, but the effects reach both your mind and body. Releasing an old hurt, fear, or belief opens up emotional space your system has been using just to stay tense.

Here are some of the major benefits of letting go for your mental and physical health:

Lower stress levels: Letting go reduces the rumination and worry that keep your stress response activated, allowing your body to settle into rest more easily.
Better emotional regulation: Creating space between what you feel and how you react helps you stay grounded during big emotions.
Less anxiety: When you stop feeding old loops, anxiety eases. This leaves more energy for the parts of your life you can actually influence.
Improved mood and resilience: Letting go builds cognitive flexibility, which helps you adapt to change and recover from setbacks more smoothly.
Better sleep: A mind that’s carrying less tension settles more easily at night, supporting deeper and more consistent rest.
Healthier relationships: Releasing resentment and old expectations clears space for honest communication and more balanced connection.
More room for joy and presence: Letting go increases your capacity — not just for calm, but for curiosity, creativity, and small moments of pleasure.

How to let go: 8 mindful tips to help you let go (even when it’s hard)

Letting go works best when it feels gentle. These tips offer grounded ways to soften your grip on the things you can’t control, and use mindfulness to stay rooted in the present.

1. Letting go of the past

The past doesn’t always stay in the past. It shows up as a loop, like a conversation you replay or a choice you wish you could undo. When that happens, try gently naming it by saying, “This is remembering.” That simple pause shifts your brain out of the emotional spiral and into quiet observation.

To come back to the present, ground yourself with your senses. Feel the fabric of your clothes, notice a sound, or hold something warm or cold. This can help remind your body you’re here now, and not stuck in a painful memory.

And if a memory still won’t let go, writing down what you’ve learned can help your brain update the story instead of replaying the old version in your head that’s hurting you.

2. Letting go of control

Control can feel like safety, especially when life has been unpredictable. But holding on too tightly burns through your energy fast. When your brain starts spinning, try sorting your thoughts. Ask, “What can I influence today, and what’s out of reach?” Just seeing the difference can ease the pressure.

If you notice yourself rechecking, overplanning, or spiraling, pause and ask yourself if it’s helping, or if it’s just your brain trying to make you feel safe. Then, take a longer exhale, like four counts in and six counts out. It’s a simple way to tell your system that it’s okay to soften your grip.

💙 For some extra support, explore Control, Influence, Adapt/Accept with Jay Shetty on the Calm app.

3. Letting go of expectations

Expectations can sneak in through family, culture, old habits, and even past versions of you. One way to loosen them is to write one down and ask, “Whose voice is this?” Naming the source makes it easier to decide if it still fits.

Then, set one small marker of being or doing “enough” for the day. If you're holding yourself to being endlessly patient or productive, try this instead. Notice the first flicker of frustration or fatigue, and meet it with a breath. That alone can be a kind way to let go.

4. Letting go of grudges or resentment

Resentment can feel like armor, but it often keeps you tied to the person or moment that hurt you. Mindfulness helps by uncovering the emotion underneath — and it’s usually hurt, sadness, or disappointment. Naming that emotion helps calm resentment and makes space for healing.

As you reflect, ground your body: feel your feet on the floor, soften your jaw, or place a hand on your chest. It tells your system that you’re safe now. Then ask yourself what would help best support you going forward. Most often, the relief isn’t about the other person, but about giving yourself grace that you didn’t give yourself back then.

5. Letting go of relationships

Letting go of a relationship rarely feels clean. Even when you know it’s the right choice, it can leave behind grief, confusion, and moments of missing the connection. Start by naming what the relationship meant to you, but make sure to look at both sides. The comfort as well as the pain. That kind of brutal honesty helps your mind sort through the mess.

Simple practices can support the shift, like writing a letter you won’t send, moving objects out of your sight, or just making space in your day that used to belong to them. The heart often lags behind the mind, and that’s okay. Healing isn’t linear, and closure doesn’t need to be rushed.

6. Letting go of limiting beliefs

Limiting beliefs usually show up as absolutes, like “I’m not good at this,” “I’ll always fail,” or “I can’t change.” They feel like facts, but are often just old stories on repeat. When one surfaces, pause and name it. That quick moment of awareness creates just enough space to question it.

From there, check the evidence. Does this belief reflect your whole truth, or just a few tough moments? Most likely, it’ll be the latter. Offer yourself a more honest version instead — something like “I’m learning,” or “This is hard, but I’m still trying.” With practice, those concrete truths start to feel more real than the old script.

💙 Need some extra help? Press play on Challenging our Core Beliefs with Tamara Levitt on the Calm app.

7. Letting go when everything feels tangled

Sometimes you don’t even know what you’re holding on to. You just know that your chest is tight, your mind is buzzing, and everything feels tangled together. In those moments, start with the body, not the story.

Place a hand on your chest or belly and take a slow breath, not to fix it, just to stay with it. If the overwhelm feels like too much, ask yourself, “What’s one small thing I can release today?” Maybe it’s rereading a message, replaying a mistake, or carrying someone else’s stress.

Letting go doesn’t have to be big or final. Sometimes, it starts with just one breath and a little less weight.

💙 For a mindful breathing practice, check out The Breathing Space with Tamara Levitt on the Calm app.

8. Letting go in ongoing situations

Sometimes letting go can’t be situational because you’re still in the situation. You might be caring for a parent, navigating a complicated job, or supporting someone in crisis. In those moments, what helps is letting go of the extra weight, not the situation itself.

That might mean letting go of the idea that you must handle everything perfectly, the belief that you can’t ask for help, or the pressure to stay calm when you’re exhausted. These internal releases make the ongoing situation feel more manageable. After all, you may not be able to change the circumstance, but you can ease the weight it has on you.

Letting go FAQs

What does it mean to let go?

Letting go means loosening the mental and emotional grip you have on something that’s been weighing you down. You’re not forgetting it happened or pretending you’re fine. Instead, you’re shifting your focus so the past or future doesn’t run your present.

It creates space to breathe and move forward at a pace that feels steady and honest for you.

What are the benefits of letting go?

Letting go reduces stress, tension, and mental clutter, which supports both emotional and physical wellbeing. People often notice a better mood, improved sleep, and less anxiety.

When you release what you can’t control, you regain energy for healing, connection, and the parts of life that matter and you do have control over.

What is a good letting-go technique?

Mindfulness is one of the simplest and most effective tools for letting go. When a painful thought appears, name it gently, such as “I’m remembering the past” or “I’m worrying about something I can’t control.”

This creates distance. Then, pair it with something grounding, like a slow breath, feeling your feet on the floor, or touching something with texture to anchor yourself in the present moment.

Why is letting go so hard?

Letting go is hard because your brain is built to protect you. Painful memories stick more strongly, familiar patterns feel safer than uncertainty, and emotions like fear or grief can make old experiences hard to release.

You’re not struggling because you’re weak; you’re responding in the way your nervous system learned to cope.

How do I use mindfulness to let go?

Mindfulness helps by bringing you back to the present when your mind gets pulled into old patterns. Notice what’s happening in your body, acknowledge the difficult thoughts without judging them, and return your attention to something steady, like your breath.

Over time, this softens the mind’s grip on the past and the future.

How do I let go of someone who hurt me?

Start by acknowledging what happened and how it affected you. Give your feelings space, set boundaries that protect you, and lean on support when you need it.

But also know that you don’t have to forgive this person before you’re ready. Letting go means freeing yourself from the lingering weight of the hurt so you don’t carry it alone. It’s meant to be peaceful for you, not for them.

How do I let go of regrets?

Regret lingers when the mind keeps trying to rewrite the past. It spins on what should’ve happened instead of accepting what did. The shift begins when you stop trying to fix it and start asking, “What didn’t I know then that I know now?”

That question softens the edges. It reminds your nervous system that you’ve grown, and that you did the best you could with what you had. Regret just needs to be understood, and then gently put down so you can focus on what you can influence in the now.

Is letting go the same as moving on?

Letting go and moving on are connected, but they’re not the same thing. Letting go is the internal release. The moment your grip on the past loosens, even just a little. Moving on is the outer motion, and the step forward that often follows.

Sometimes you let go before you move on. Other times, you take the step, and the emotional shift catches up later. There’s no perfect order, and both count.

Do I have to forgive to let go?

No, you don’t have to forgive to let go. Forgiveness can help some people feel lighter, but it’s not a universal requirement.

Letting go is about releasing your own emotional weight, not rewriting the story or excusing what happened. Sometimes the most honest path forward is holding space for the truth and choosing peace anyway.

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letting go

Calm Editorial Team